Wednesday, 30 December 2015

New Year's Evil...



I hate the middle bit between Christmas and New Year. You know, the bit that hangs over us like an awning of pending miseries to come. Oh you can deny it all you want but the truth remains, once the last cracker has been pulled and the cat's choked on the crappy plastic toy which shot off at a tangent, the dread of the approaching new year begins.

Yes, you have one last chance on New Years Eve to guzzle more alcohol and clog your colons with calorific time bombs but after that....what then?


Time for a New Year's resolution!:
MY EXCERCISE REGIME

A reality hangover that's what!!

The permission slip you were handed by society to be seasonally 'Merry' has been revoked, therefore, you no longer have an excuse to be the overindulgent, out of shape piss head you actually are and so off you go to seek a means of remedying the situation.

Enter the New Year Resolution.

And what a crock of old crap THAT is!!

Oh yes, you're eager at first, positively buzzing with the thought of the 'new you' you'll become....but such thoughts come easy when the fumes from your booze-infused breath are so pungent they've just scorched the fur off the hamster!

The sober you isn't as keen.

And then, of course, there's the herding instinct isn't there? Yeah, it's where you're caught up with the hysteria of the masses and so you jump aboard the train to New-Year-Resolutions-Ville until further down the line, when the euphoria of mentally applying yourself to a better you is replaced by the horror of physically applying yourself to a better you and you think... 'sod this...(or words to that effect)...before speedily disembarking and launching yourself, unceremoniously, upon the mercy of the old familiar track!

New Year's Eve Resolutions. But the other way around.: Do you know what I think? I think that someone else should distribute the new year resolutions. Someone close to you. It's these people who know you best and are, therefore, in a more suitably informed position to point out the areas for change you should REALLY be focusing on...

Areas such as that temple-throbbingly annoying squelchy sound some people make when they eat! A sound you could easily replicate if you took to wearing flippers whilst jogging on the spot in mud! Of course, there would be a forfeit if you were found to be in breach of your appointed resolution.

In the case of the noisy muncher they would be denied all solids and any hint of a slurp whilst sipping soup would result in them wearing it!! Or you could simply pin their tongue to the dining table, mid-chew, via a fork!

Snoring – A True Nightmare  http://www.glidewelldental.com/snoring-sleep-apnea/index.aspx: Serial snorers would be committed to implementing one of the plethora of remedies available (and yet frequently ignored) which would serve to remove the twitch-inducing problem they DENY exists, thus, finally allowing their long-suffering partners a peaceful nights sleep!

Failure to comply with the appropriate solution would result in the offender suffering the after effects of being repeatedly Tasered by the administrator of the resolution.

Mind you, there are those dedicated persons out there who need no prompting to ensure they adhere to their resolutions. Oh no, these determined warriors of willpower stoically and jovially skippity-skip their lithe, fat-free husks all the way to the gym every day for hours on end, fine tuning their toned, athletic, nimble shapes as we weaker individuals can but watch on, our wobbly bits bearing the scars of doughnuts past....

And it is to these disciples of discipline I will, this coming New Years Eve, be raising SEVERAL hearty glasses of Asda's best Chardonnay whilst loudly, firmly, and most resolutely reminding them that....



© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

16 comments:

  1. Right....so right!! That's why I do my best to ignore this whole seasonal thing except to spend some time with those nearest to me - it's the only time they have off too, so we try and share each other farly! A few cards have been sent, a few good wishes posted on FB and Twitter and that's me done. Enjoy that Chardonnay, dear Lynn, and I'll see you on the other side of midnight...tomorrow!

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    1. You certainly will, Val!! And thank you, I'll have a few for us and who knows, one of these new years we may just get to have a drink together in person...even if it's only coffee haha! xxx

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  2. Hahaha..remind me not to come round to yours tomorrow...I'll just chuck the coal at your window instead...

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  3. I gave up on setting resolutions years ago and dislike the whole new year 'thing' but I shall raise a glass of red against yours of Chardonnay Lynn tonight and then we can all get back to normal :-)

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    1. I'm up for that! Hope the coming year looks after you and yours, Georgia... :) xx

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  4. No resolutions for me. A nice meal and bottle of wine tonight and tomorrow is just another day ;-) Hope you have a great 2016 x

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    1. Yep...seems to be the general consensus, Cathy! I'll raise my bucket of wine to you later and wish you a New Year that makes you happy... :) xx

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  5. Ah yes dear Lynn, I totes agree with thee. We have been for our postprandial promenade and will now lock ourselves away to avoid any of that new year tosh. Tomorrow is but another day.

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    1. Good plan!! ( love the 'postprandial promenade ' haha!) .....Stay well and may the new year bring great stuff to you xx

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  6. Speaking as one who snores, I protest - we can't help it!!! Happily, my husband is worse than me :)

    I totes agree with all this - haven't made any for years. I like ' you no longer have an excuse to be the overindulgent, out of shape piss head you actually are'. What you need to do is come and live in Geordieland. They're all overweight pissheads up here. :)

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    1. Haha! Sounds good to me! I'll bring the fags too :D

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  7. Great post! I can't stop eating the chocolate until it's left the house though, and there's still a bottle of fizz to quaff. No juice cleanses for me this week then (or any!). Plus the peeing rain in Scotland for a week now is not exactly inspiring me to leave the house, never mind get fit! I snore as well, really I try not to (ok I don't, but I do feel bad).

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    1. Hahaha! We are kindred spirits, it seems :D Loved your comments....glad you enjoyed post! *passes chocs* ;) x

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  8. My resolution every year? To live through it. So far so good! 😊

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    1. And I'm most glad of that, Hap!... :) x

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