Tuesday, 21 October 2014

Grumbling Gargoyle & Mother Gargoyle on Tour: Week One!... **BLOG POST**

Neither myself nor my ever present neuroses travel well, preferring instead to congregate within the confines of the haunt we call home where we can enjoy the tumultuous discomfort of endless bouts of prolonged misery in a familiar unsettling setting.

In this Shangri-la of derangement and mental maudlins, random panic attacks, general wailing and sudden bursts of hysteria roam free, unfettered by the judgmental arched eye brows of those who walk beyond this curious sanctuary and would question the bizarreness of such unorthodox 
behaviour...them being so perfect an' all... 

So, all this being considered, you'll probably find it strange that moi and the aforementioned neuroses..( who for the sake of this journal shall lovingly be referred to as 'friends' )...took it upon ourselves to accompany my octogenarian mother...( or MG as she's fondly referred to 'Mother Gargoyle' )...on her travels to Spain, as part of her ever expanding bucket list.

The reason I had to do this, despite my peculiar mindset, is quite simple...I love this woman. I want to savour whatever time we have left together and she is completely unaware of the odd company I keep in the darkened corners of my raddled mind...and that's how it shall remain.

To discuss the matter further would evoke far too many intrusive questions and require answers that I myself simply do not have nor bear to consider... so it is that, me and my curious pals continue our relationship in secret....as best we can...

Over the course of these chunnerings about mine and MG's travels you'll meet many of my little 'friends', though not all...some are far too disturbing to disclose even unto myself!!......Right...let's get on with it...


Arrive at airport inwardly screaming 'cos am terrified of flying

Board plane - watch MG settle down in seat with book and barley sugar sweet - cast envious glance at her brazen nonchalance - swallow an inaudible sob.

Mentally revisit inane statements of recidivist flyers who bleat supposedly soothing comments - "Oh nothing to worry about, it's not a long flight" - also revisit fact that length of flight has f**k all to do with time it takes to dive bomb into oblivion!

Look around plane to determine if anyone looks dodgy - catch sight of own reflection in window - realise I qualify!

Fellow catastrophist thoughtfully 
prepares for post-crash situation
Listen as cabin crew go through emergency procedures - only  hear " we're all going to die"

Quickly scan rest of passengers excited, smiling faces just before take off - wince as mind replaces this idyllic scene of rapture with graphic images of blood, guts and general post-crash carnage 

Spend entire flight covertly monitoring every nuance of cabin crew's body language, looking for signs of masked panic.


Miraculously survive flight - eventually identify advancing alien feeling as hint of optimism

Travel from airport to villa - discover villa is up a f***in' mountain - stare wide eyed into cavernous maw of impending doom which straddles either sides of car as it crunches its way up precarious, rugged path of cataclysmic possibilities - commence to quietly shite self - spot MG casually reapplying lipstick previously licked off face in a barley sugar sucking frenzy - waves bye to former hint of optimism

Survive ascent to villa - survey all aspects of breathtaking, beautiful scenery surrounding temporary home - enter perfectly tended and welcoming abode - pause to greet onward return of approaching optimism

Notice steel bars firmly attached to every window including door - feel speedy retreat of aforementioned optimism as it's replaced by disembodied, strangled cry of claustrophobic terror

Spend night covertly hugging fire extinguisher 'just incase' - awake and shuffle into lounge with hooded eyes - spot soon-to-be-83 year old mater relaxed and freshly showered on settee reading

Notice stifled titter she affords me - shuffle off to get ready for trip out to buy provisions - remember this involves road of impending doom - fail to remember applying for Survival Course - die a little inside

Rest of time spent accompanying MG in exploration of beautiful town of Nerja, where we're based - struggle to suppress omnipresent want to rush back to villa to hide and adopt foetal position until time to go home to England - constantly bob and weave through assault course of people and noise of their ceaseless babble - avoid eye contact with anyone, especially with MG who has the ability to see through my soul 

Stand aghast at speedy approach of nun carelessly assaulting all in her path with scandalous flappage of bat black habit - grimace as scar tissue from convent education tears open to expose still  smouldering embers of pain, guilt and fear of 'all loving God'

Notice nun has face like an empty duffel bag, collapsed in a constant state of disapproval, scanning for souls to devour and lives to f**K up - shudder all way back to villa

Plan day around pool - sleep marginally better knowing not going beyond hideaway this day - follow sound of MG's voice calmly sharing "must have been raining through the night, take a look at this" - quickly put bathing cossy on as prep for pool - exit bedroom - enter hallway - spot MG by open door, adorned in vibrantly coloured Gallabaya, breezily sipping coffee from china cup

Smile and saunter over to see what SHE'S smiling at - follow her perfectly manicured talon to point of interest - instantly mind- f***ed by sight of thick carpet of slithering, squirming, pulsing, writhing, bowel motivating worms leading from path to pool, around pool and IN THE POOL!!! which greets my now bulging eyes

Remain rooted to spot as MG turns, smiles again, with a mischeivously arched brow before asking "fancy a coffee before your swim then"? 

Scream into the following week!...

( to be continued )...

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard 


  1. It seems I have a streak of sadism as discovered when laughing loudly at least four times whilst reading this post. This could well turn out to be a great book 'Mother Me and My Friends. Or even better a great series of 'Stand Up Comedy Clips'. Good work. More please?

    1. Haha! glad you liked it!! We went for three weeks and I'm still not fully uncoiled from foetal position!! lol...There's another two posts to come over next couple of weeks..Thanks for boosting my confidence....:) x

  2. Oh dear!!! hahahahahaha ... loved this. Can actually SEE you performing the whole thing. Prob with Slipknot soundtrack. WAZZOCK!!

    1. Believe me..I haven't done the experience justice!! haha!...Weeks 2 & 3 will follow shortly....

  3. I was agiggle until the worms. Yeah, that must be the reason for the bars...

  4. A visionary piece of writing, although I wouldn't have enjoyed the worms, and heights are only tackled after a bottle of Lemoncello to subdue the screams. The rest made me leak at both ends. Brilliant !

  5. Haha! Glad you enjoyed, Ellen....and thank you... :D