Monday, 2 February 2015

Grumbling Gargoyle & Mother Gargoyle on Tour: Final Week!... **BLOG POST**

Those of you who have read part one of 'Grumbling Gargoyle and Mother Gargoyle...(GG & MG)...On Tour', will be familiar with the sufferings of my goodly self and those of my numerous neuroses, experienced during our stay with my fabulous and slightly unnerving, octogenarian MG, in a beautiful villa in Spain, last summer.

For those of you who haven't a clue what I'm going on about, here's the link so you can catch up... CLICK HERE

As for the rest of you...well, let's carry on with the crazy!...


Set off to explore beautiful village of Frigiliana - Reach destination - Instantly regret wearing strapless sandals - Commence to walk around village, feet loudly slapping upon pavement drawing attention of bemused passers by - Consider that flippers would have been less of an obstacle!

Catch MG grinning as she flounces off, thanks to the confident strides her sensible, yet very fashionable, footwear of choice provides - Slap and flap a bit faster to try and catch up with her - Look like escapee from clown school!

Despite splendour of surroundings, realise we haven't seen a smiling face since arrival - Wonder if entire village is on Depressants - Barely processed that thought when scooter-riding local buzzes by with a cheery 'Ola' - Note maniacal glint in his eye and a smile like a crack in a paving slab - Decide he must be the resident serial killer eyeing up his next project.

Proceed to quaint shopping area, delighting in the architecture and storytelling mosaics, Frigiliana's Moorish history has on offer - Marvel as traditional baker gently breaks silence of serene setting, by selling his wares through melodic song of his sales pitch - Grimace as random tourist, no doubt English, loudly instructs him to "Piss off"

Agree with MG that coffee would be good idea - MG points to cafe - I point to another, - MG sighs but we go with my one - Sit at table wearing infantile expression of a winner - MG orders beverages and pops to loo - Upon return I make same visit

Find myself in small cupboard which worryingly doubles as loo and storage area for crates of bottled drinks! - Notice disturbing design on toilet lid of two penises, each supposedly coloured and sized to represent certain 'alleged' cultural differences.

Walk back to table and the arched, 'I-told-you-we-should-have-gone-to-the-other-cafe', eyebrow of MG - Sigh and sip my coffee, on the naughty chair.

Mid week, excited to travel to Granada to visit home and museum of someone I've admired for a long time, playwright and poet Federico Garcia Lorca

Walk through the idyllic, leafy grounds with MG - Gasp as house comes into view - Quicken steps as reach front door - Pause to allow hand to brush upon the window shutter, the very one that Lorca himself may have touched, at some point.

Struggle to turn door handle for access - Struggle some more - And then even more.

Resist urge to kick door in - Consider using MG as battering ram - Finally accept museum is closed - Loudly explore numerous profanities.

Mind travels back to San Francisco visit of previous year with MG to see Alcatraz - Equally as excited - Tickets bought well in advance - 'The Voices' put on hold - We get there to discover - Alcatraz put on CLOSED thanks to federal governments 'shut down'! - Glare at MG, seeing her NOT for the first time as being The Harbinger of Doom and thereby fully responsible for both iconic places being shut - Feel MG's accusing eye glaring at me with equal blame whilst the hint of a smirk begins to graze across her lips!

Begin journey back to villa - Stop at traffic lights near bus stop - Spot blind woman waiting for bus - Watch her pick nose - Watch her eat harvested produce - Watch her slowly chew oblivious to presence of other, inches behind her - Watch 'other' dry heave'

Last day before packing for home - Go into Nerja with MG for meal - Sit at table in beautiful sunshine outside restaurant - Order food - Listen to guy playing guitar - Am only one to applaud when he's finished song 

Instantly regret this as he pounces on me, hand out for money - Try to explain was just appreciating his music, wasn't looking to sponsor him - Recoil at MG's burning look of disdain, in my direction,  as she passes him euros.

Drinks arrive - Large glass of wine each - Wrong wine - Nicely ask waiter to change it - Watch his temple throb - Note that 'attitude problem' needs no translation - Thank him as he slams revised liquid in front of me and MG - Conscious of him mumbling something under breath, maybe it was"I love my job"

In mid gulp when guy passes me business card explaining he is deaf and would like money - Consider scribbling note in return saying " am blind, can't read card" - Take another large gulp of wine instead.

Food comes - As does another guy with a card in his hand to slap on table - This card explains that he needs money because he has a large family to feed and can't work as he only has one hand - Given his ability to forcefully plonk card on table WHILST holding a beer, I struggled to fully comprehend the restrictions his calling card proclaimed!

Try to catch eye of  Spains 'Waiter of the Year' for bill - Watch him turn - Watch full bottle of wine drop from tray he is holding - Watch it smash to ground - Watch him begin to take some 'time-out' by drifting into a psychotic break

Watch approach of other members of staff, running to his aid as he hysterically grumbles incomprehensible obscenities, whilst kicking tables - No doubt his coat in the cloakroom will be a strait jacket.

Eventually return to villa - Drink in the panoramic view of mountains and olive trees for the last time, with a teary eye - Relish reflecting on every beautiful, mad moment with MG - Quickly dry eyes to avoid MG's questions - Pivot around to spot MG looking at me through living room window, warm smile, tenderly plumping her cheeks.

Go inside to face her, before packing for home, and to ask what memories she'll be taking back with her - Listen with eyes welling up with more tears as she says "There isn't one moment that hasn't brought me happiness. I only hope we'll get to enjoy more times like this some day. It's been good, hasn't it Plumb?"

Hearing her call me by the nickname she used to, when I was a little kid, soon had me blubbering snot bubbles and reaching for tissues - MG's last sentence helped plug the flow...

" You've always been an ugly crier haven't you?"

Thanks MG....I love you too...

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard


  1. You absolute utter and total nana! hahahahahahahahahahaha

    ---- A Critic

    1. I blame it all on MG......I think the tragedy of this blog post is...that it's all true! haha!

  2. Absolutely hysterical! I laughed till I couldn't see through the tears. Great post!

  3. Ohhh I'm so glad you liked it, Anita! Thank you!....Mad stuff seems to follow me everywhere....especially when I'm with MG! lol