Wednesday, 30 December 2015

New Year's Evil...



I hate the middle bit between Christmas and New Year. You know, the bit that hangs over us like an awning of pending miseries to come. Oh you can deny it all you want but the truth remains, once the last cracker has been pulled and the cat's choked on the crappy plastic toy which shot off at a tangent, the dread of the approaching new year begins.

Yes, you have one last chance on New Years Eve to guzzle more alcohol and clog your colons with calorific time bombs but after that....what then?


Time for a New Year's resolution!:
MY EXCERCISE REGIME

A reality hangover that's what!!

The permission slip you were handed by society to be seasonally 'Merry' has been revoked, therefore, you no longer have an excuse to be the overindulgent, out of shape piss head you actually are and so off you go to seek a means of remedying the situation.

Enter the New Year Resolution.

And what a crock of old crap THAT is!!

Oh yes, you're eager at first, positively buzzing with the thought of the 'new you' you'll become....but such thoughts come easy when the fumes from your booze-infused breath are so pungent they've just scorched the fur off the hamster!

The sober you isn't as keen.

And then, of course, there's the herding instinct isn't there? Yeah, it's where you're caught up with the hysteria of the masses and so you jump aboard the train to New-Year-Resolutions-Ville until further down the line, when the euphoria of mentally applying yourself to a better you is replaced by the horror of physically applying yourself to a better you and you think... 'sod this...(or words to that effect)...before speedily disembarking and launching yourself, unceremoniously, upon the mercy of the old familiar track!

New Year's Eve Resolutions. But the other way around.: Do you know what I think? I think that someone else should distribute the new year resolutions. Someone close to you. It's these people who know you best and are, therefore, in a more suitably informed position to point out the areas for change you should REALLY be focusing on...

Areas such as that temple-throbbingly annoying squelchy sound some people make when they eat! A sound you could easily replicate if you took to wearing flippers whilst jogging on the spot in mud! Of course, there would be a forfeit if you were found to be in breach of your appointed resolution.

In the case of the noisy muncher they would be denied all solids and any hint of a slurp whilst sipping soup would result in them wearing it!! Or you could simply pin their tongue to the dining table, mid-chew, via a fork!

Snoring – A True Nightmare  http://www.glidewelldental.com/snoring-sleep-apnea/index.aspx: Serial snorers would be committed to implementing one of the plethora of remedies available (and yet frequently ignored) which would serve to remove the twitch-inducing problem they DENY exists, thus, finally allowing their long-suffering partners a peaceful nights sleep!

Failure to comply with the appropriate solution would result in the offender suffering the after effects of being repeatedly Tasered by the administrator of the resolution.

Mind you, there are those dedicated persons out there who need no prompting to ensure they adhere to their resolutions. Oh no, these determined warriors of willpower stoically and jovially skippity-skip their lithe, fat-free husks all the way to the gym every day for hours on end, fine tuning their toned, athletic, nimble shapes as we weaker individuals can but watch on, our wobbly bits bearing the scars of doughnuts past....

And it is to these disciples of discipline I will, this coming New Years Eve, be raising SEVERAL hearty glasses of Asda's best Chardonnay whilst loudly, firmly, and most resolutely reminding them that....



© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Unchained...




Only by breaking the links

Of prejudice and discrimination

Can we truly appreciate

The beauty of our fellow man

And finally accept

That we are but one people!




Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard


Wednesday, 19 August 2015

The Devil's Tree...



In the Devils Tree

They placed their trust

Foolish slaves

To loveless lust



Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Love Thy Neigh-bour...



Over the years I've had more than my fair share of hm...how to put it...'interesting' neighbours.

Ranging from the woman who kept a horse in her living room (I jest ye not) to the family who borrowed a friends goat to keep their grass short! I mean how did that conversation go?

Her: (eyes glued to Loose Women) "Grass needs cutting we're gonna have to buy a mower" 

Him: (scratching a beer gut threatening to escape a gravy stained vest) "Nah, sod it, give Ken a ring, see if his goat's busy this weekend"


Goats farm goat gate sign
A further point of interest regarding both horse and goat is that, like mine, the homes and gardens they frequented were not part of some countrified landscape. There were no large, echoing rooms befitting a stately home to wander through, nor were there acres of rambling pastures to graze and gallop upon. 

Nope, these houses were just your ordinary town residences, hardly big enough to swing a cat...as another neighbour of mine once discovered just prior to his arrest.

Still, mad these people may have been but at least they were pet friendly!

And then of course there was the lovely Mr and Mrs Peters. Both in their late seventies and a  delight to live next to, back in the day. However, just like any of us, they could be prone to the odd mood swing, as happened shortly after we brought a cat home to stay with us. 


Anti-smoking advertising design
Our back gardens were adjacent to the other and separated by a low fence which didn't afford any privacy but neither of our families were invasive of the other so all worked out well.

One day, after a pain-in-the-arse kinda day at work, I walked into the garden to calm down with a fag ( packed in years ago, best thing I ever did...is the lie I keep telling myself. Sometimes I've walked past someone who's puffing away on a cigarette and I've inhaled their spent smoke with such zeal, I've taken their ash with it!) anyway, Mr Peters was quick to beckon me over to him.

As he did so I noticed he held a photograph in his hand.

"Take a look at this" he said, in an unusually gruff manner.

I did as he asked, politely smiled, even though a tad perplexed and said, "What lovely hedgehogs" 'cos they were but I'd no idea as to why he was sharing this image of the prickly pair with me. I was knackered and in no mood for a David Attenborough moment!

"Yes! They WERE lovely weren't they?"

Mr Peters eyebrows, so long and thick it may have been worth considering tie backs, began to slide down his anger creased brow to meet with the other in the middle of his nose, which itself was host to nostrils flaring like bellows!

I had no idea what kind of a response was expected of me here so I just stood still and hoped for a clue, quietly marvelling at the gloss on Mr Peter's ear hair as it fluttered slightly in the wind.

"Me and Mrs Peters have fed these hedgehogs every night for years and now, because of your cat, they've gone"

"Gone? Mr Peters I'm sorry to hear that they've gone but I don't see how my cat can be responsible, she hasn't been out of the house yet!" 



His little rheumy eyes narrowed as he practically spat.

"They must have seen it in your window then! It must have been goading them!! Mrs Peters is very upset!" and with that he sharply turned to walk back into his house, photo grasped in palm, passing Mrs Peters who had, by then, come to stand on the back step.


Evil Hedgehog PicturesNow awaiting to suffer Mrs Peter's reprimand, I remained rooted to the spot and watched her turn to check if Mr Peters was out of earshot before she spoke

"Filthy, flea riddled, disease carrying, freeloaders!. I hate the spiky little bastards. Oh, and forgive Mr Peters outburst, the hedgehogs disappearance had nothing to do with your cat. But if you don't mind, there's no need to tell him that, is there?" and with a gentle smile and a mischievous glint in her eye, into the house she returned.

I never did ask Mrs Peters what had actually happened to the hedgehogs. All I know is, the next time I saw her she was wearing a pair of dodgy looking shoes!






( to be continued)...

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 10 August 2015

How Sad The Song...



How sad the song

Of all that is gone

And never more

Shall be



Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Circle Of Life...



The circle of life

A symbiotic shambles

Between man

And machine 


Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Afraid...



Some of the poems

That sit in my head

Are too afraid

To slip onto the page



© Copyright Lynn Gerrard



Some Days...





Some days we can

But sit and sigh

And wonder what

It is like to fly



poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Cobwebs...



Sometimes we need

To dust the mind

And pluck the cobwebs

From our eyes

To clearly see

The world around

And not by prejudice

Be bound




poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 12 July 2015

'Why Me????...**BLOG POST**



The tale which is about to unfold before you is disturbing on many levels, mainly because the majority of the unsettling events which form the narrative.....are hideously true!...

Prithee do continue, gentle and curious reader.

'WHY ME?'

So there I was, standing alone at the bus stop, in the rain, minding my own business, when I spotted some bearded guy walking towards me with determined rapidity. The pyjamas flapping around him heralding his approach should have been a clue that something wasn't quite right here.

I did that thing we all do in moments of awkward discomfort. I kept my eyes firmly on the ground and mumbled..."Oh shit! Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!"


He stopped!

Reluctantly, I dragged my gaze from the pavement to find him looking directly at me. Suddenly a voice, which squeaked like a wonky wheel on a shopping trolley, loudly proclaimed...

"Look at you standing there like a Parisian whore...I hope all your children are born cross eyed!"...

As I started to process his perception of my choice of apparel, inwardly worrying I'd inadvertently dressed as a French hooker that morning and with those endearing well wishes delivered, he briskly continued upon his merry way. 

Dragging with him there scuttled a solitary flip-flop...(does that make it a flip or a flop then?...ok, ok, I digress)...leaving ME with the mental imagery of any future kids I should bear, standing in a line, struggling to focus, each with a plaster over one eye!

Eventually my bus arrived and with great relief I jumped on board. I'd quite a way to go and after a while the rhythm of the engine lulled me into a semi-stupor.

Truck driver humor | NEW ORLEANS Bus Driver's Sense Of Humor

It was only when my head banged into the window with some force, as the bus went over a bump, that I came to my senses and realised I had travelled a fair distance with my face pressed against the glass, my tongue having formed the perfect conduit for drool. 

I quickly tried to recover my dignity but this was a bit difficult with the old dear sitting opposite gawping at my chin...as her gnarled fist handed me a tissue.

Thankfully, there wasn't much further to go now and as the bus stopped to pick up more passengers I casually glanced out of the window...to find some guy wearing a hooded duffel coat glaring right at me through a curtain of pouring rain, like an auditionee for The Shining!

There he stood, rigid...arms stiffened by his sides, fists clenched. Rain cascaded over him with unrelenting fervour. All the time his eyes stared threateningly into mine whilst his lips slowly creased into a rictus grin, bizarrely, I was hypnotised. I couldn't look away!.

Gradually I watched his fists begin to uncurl and then, almost in slow motion, he raised both hands, in perfect unison, right up to the glass, behind which my incredulous face hovered wearing an expression of raw stupid!.....and gave me two fingers!...several times!...in rapid succession!...whilst mouthing..."F**k You"!!...following which, he turned and ran off down the road, arms outstretched, fingers still gesticulating their urgent message, face raised to the sky, lost within a maniacal laugh!!

I'd like to think that at some point he ran into a lamppost.

been there beforeShocked, gobsmacked and with gasteds seriously flabbered...I looked around to see if any of the other passengers had witnessed this bizarre event. If they had no one said anything. 

All faces wore the same expression of having given up on life as they silently shuffled along their seats to make room for more automatons, eyes glazed and empty,  locked into a mind-melt with the mother ship.


Stunned, I flopped back in my seat, eager to get the rest of the journey over with and it was as the bus was about to set off that some chap who had just boarded and sat in the seat in front of mine, suddenly swivelled round, his face inches from my own and, whilst smiling through a set of teeth the condition of which would have earned him a VIP pass to the Jeremy Kyle Show, said to me....

"I shouldn't be out ya know"....

This news bulletin reached my ears after surfing breath so offensive as to bleach my nasal hair! His mouth should have been covered with 'Crime scene' tape! And still he remained twisted upon his seat to allow him to continue to stare at me. 

Maybe he was waiting for the toxic vapours he emitted to render me unconscious! 

It was as I watched him prepare to draw another breath (a direct insult to the poor tree, out there somewhere, tirelessly pumping out oxygen to feed him) that I decided I had had enough!

"D'ya know what?" I loudly raved whilst jumping from my seat and stomping angrily to the front of the bus "I think you'll find...I'm the one who shouldn't be soddin'  out!!!!!!!!"...

And with that said, I jumped off the bus and walked the rest of the way home with the downpour beating upon my stressed out bits!!

Tell you what though, if I ever have need to do that again.............I'll definitely wait for the bus to stop first!!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 30 May 2015

A Right Pain in the.... *BLOG POST*



It's always with great reluctance I ever go to the doctors. I loathe acquiring the need to go...I loathe the battle with the receptionist to allow me an appointment to let me go...and I loathe being stuck in a waiting room that's bulging with bug carrying beings secreting their bacteria willy-nillily into an atmosphere already polluted with the infected detritus of patients past!

So, one day, in a effort to avoid such a scenario, after having spent a couple of days prior in growing agony with a pain in my side...it was with equal reluctance I decided to ring the NHS helpline ( as it was then)  to seek their advice...

"Good morning, NHS Direct" said the monotonic voice with all the warmth of a mortuary slab!

"Oh hello, sorry to bother you, but I wondered if you could help me?"

"What's the problem" she yawned

"Well, I've an intense pain down my back and into my side"

"What kind of pain?"

Why do people ask that question??? How am I supposed to answer?..."It's a wonderful pain really, I'm reluctant to part with the agony!"

What I actually said was...

"All I can tell you, is that it's a painful pain"

"Can you describe it to me?" I could sense her eyes rolling as she grunted this request!

Retro Humor
"What? Describe it to you? Well, not really...maybe if I screamed down the phone you could assess it!"

Her sigh was palpable.

We stumbled around a few more questions as I grimaced in increasing discomfort, until she asked...

"What do you think you've got?"

"Pardon?" an incredulous gasp escaped from behind my clenched teeth.

"What do YOU think you've got?"

"What do I think I've got???...'What. Do. I. Think. I've. Got'!!!...You're not quite grasping the concept of Helpline are you?...Aren't you supposed to tell me?....Isn't that how this works!!"

I was so frustrated at this point that after expressing my feelings through continuing spasms of agony I decided to slam the phone down....and would have done so had she not done so first!

Well, there was nothing else for it, I was going to have to bite the bullet and confront the wizened harridan behind the reception desk at the doctors surgery, pissed with power 'cos she's got her own stapler! I believe she was engaged to be married once.....but then he got his sight back! I swear, if you were to collapse at her desk, she'd write for an ambulance!!

we <3 ZiggyAnyway, I took a deep breath and rang the surgery to make an appointment. 

"Doctors surgery"...she spat.

"I'd like an appointment to see Dr. Handson tomorrow please"


"If you want an appointment tomorrow you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning"


"Well, given that I'm ringing now couldn't you just mark it down for me please?" 

"No...we can only allocate appointments on the day".


"Ok, can I have an appointment with Dr. Handson this morning then please"


"No...he's booked up"


"Oh right...well...are you sure I'll get in to see him tomorrow then?"


"No...you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning and I'll tell you"


"For God's sake! What about tomorrow afternoon then? Can you book me in for then?"


"If you want an appointment tomorrow afternoon you'll need to phone at 2:30 tomorrow" 


"Oh Holy Jesus in Heaven!"...I strained. "I've got high blood pressure you know...I can feel my veins stretching! You're not helping here! Have you...for the sake of Christ...got anything for this afternoon then?????".


"It's possible"


"It is?...Is it?"...I'd never been this excited since I got the card telling me I'd won the beauty competition......I love Monopoly I do!


 "Wonderful...can you tell me what time please?"


"No...You'll have to phone up at 2:30"


Shortly after this episode I was admitted to hospital with concussion after smashing myself in the head, several times with a handset! As for the pain in my side? Thankfully it vanished, seems it couldn't compete with the right pain in the arse the days events had provided!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Never mind...



My fear is not

To lose my mind

My fear is that

My mind I'll find!




Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard


Themes and Dreams...





The world we now live in

Holds no place for dreams

And hope is but a memory

Of a redundant theme




Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

( Artwork by Banksy )

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Darkness & Decadence




Signed copies of Darkness & Decadence - the d├ębut poetry collection by Lynn Gerrard priced at £5.99 are available (priced inclusive of postage below) by clicking on the Paypal BUY NOW button for your area.

The book is also available unsigned on Amazon in paperback and of course there is a Kindle version too.


Please note that the prices below include postage to seperate regions. Please only use the BUY NOW button relevant to where you live (e.g. France - the European Delivery button or America - the International Delivery button).


UK Delivery: £8.99 P&P Inclusive.


Price includes UK Postage



European Delivery: £9.99 P&P Inclusive.




Price includes Europe Postage



International Delivery: £11.99 P&P Inclusive.


Includes International Postage







A full review of Lynn's Live Spoken Word Show of 'Darkness & Decadence' can be found on the online blog ralphslife.co.uk






Amazon review by: Bodica

"When I found out this long-awaited collection was out at last I bought it straight away and wasn't disappointed. I loved this collection of dark gargoylian grumblings from the poetress Lynn Gerrard. Lynn takes humankind and lays open every hidden emotion. She made me laugh, made me sad and then made me laugh again. A fabulous collection of emotive prose which can be read again and again to find new depths."


Amazon review by: sagababe

"This is the long awaited debut volume of the poet's work. I have been a fan of her poems for several years, but they have only been available to read on her blog. It is rare to find a poet comfortable in so many formats: tiny exquisite micro-poems glitter like jewels. Descriptive poems paint pictures in your head that linger well after you have closed the book. Longer 'political' or social poems have you nodding in agreement. This is a volume to read at leisure, or to devour in one sitting. But however you choose to access her work, you will return to re read and savour it. Recommended."


Amazon review by: Peter Davey

What struck me first about Lynn Gerrard’s wonderful collection of poems ‘Darkness and Decadence’ is that it’s unlike anything I’ve seen before. So many contemporary poets just sound like different versions of each other, with their studied, self-consciously poetic language and desperate, gimmicky strivings after originality. Lynn Gerrard just tells it how it is, straight from the shoulder, without a hint of poetic posturing – and thus her poems are accessible to everyone. In many of them, she does what she has already become notorious for on social media – taking our deepest and darkest childhood nightmares and blasting them with her humour. 

One of my favourites is ‘An Appointment with Death’ where the Grim Reaper comes into the doctor’s surgery to pick up his anti-depressants. If Death can be seen as a ridiculous figure we all recognise, why should we fear him? Other poems, such as ‘How Quiet the Grave’, handle similar themes but always in a tone that, however macabre, is faintly tongue-in-cheek. God may not be able to redeem us, she seems to say (I don’t think she has much time for God) but humour can. Others poems, such as ‘The Lovers’, are wry comments on everyday life. 

Others are beautiful and poignant reflections on things we all share and recognise – relationships, separation, betrayal, creativity and the fragility of human love. Then there’s the hypocrisy of politics, religion and materialism – nothing escapes Lynn Gerrard’s pen. One of the most poignant – ‘A Dragon and a Gargoyle’ - mourns the popularity of the old storybooks that used to fire children’s imaginations. Despite the huge canvas, Lynn’s voice throughout is one of honesty, compassion and humanity as well as her irresistible humour. 

She also has a considerable talent for performing her own work – so far I’ve only seen her on YouTube but would love to see her live one day. I can thoroughly recommend this beautiful collection and can’t wait to see how her work, and her career, develop.

Friday, 3 April 2015

A Flash Too Far!....**BLOG POST**



In my life thus far...I have unintentionally flashed my bits on 3 cringe worthy occasions...

FLASH ONE

Many years ago, as I knelt in front of a mirror in the living room one evening drying my hair after a hot bath, wearing nothing more than a battered old dressing gown...the parish priest called around unannounced, as they tended to back then...( you know, collecting protection money...checking on gang members an' stuff! )... 


Anyway, he walked straight into the room, I jumped up in surprise, caught my foot on the belt of my dressing gown and instantly exposed myself to him! The most uncomfortable thing about that experience was the prolonged eye contact and my inability to move as he slowly began to make noises of mass repulsion!


I didn't see much of him after that...although he'd seen enough of me!


FLASH TWO


Years later, once again, I found myself wearing nothing other than a well worn but comfy old dressing gown (not the same as in my previous flash...that one didn't survive the exorcism) after having had a luxurious bath, before sitting down, in the living room, to enjoy a frothy coffee and several chunks of chocolate.


That's when my little old dog, Sam, started to do that undulative, dry heave thing that dogs do as a prelude to a mega-puke.

Wanting to avoid the clean-up campaign in the lounge, I quickly jumped up and ran to the door at the front of the house, 'cos it was closer to the outside than the back door was, and urged Sam to follow...which he did...BUT...


...as I opened the door Sam's tried to rush out at exactly the same time as his stomach contents have decided to evacuate his little furry body, resulting in the produce of his projectile offering grand slamming against the door, which instantly catapulted the mess up the wall in the hall, eventually allowing a kaleidoscopic arrangement of slimy chunks to slide gracefully into a glutinous blob, upon the carpet!



Emptied of his discharge, Sam then proceeded to go beyond the front door, where I stood numbed by the unfolding events, and out into the front garden where he dropped to the floor in a dead faint!

Whilst gawping at my beloved mutt, prostrate upon the floor with an attack of the vapours, my peripheral vision alerted me to my neighbours returning home from an evening out.

In a snap-shot our eyes locked over the surreal scene and that's when my dressing gown seized the opportunity to fling itself open to reveal the numb and naked figure which quivered beneath, upon the unwanted attentions of my jaw-dropped neighbours!


Once again, uncomfortable nano-seconds of eye contact remained 


Unbelievably, all I could do was remain pinned to the spot as my neighbours looked on bemused, at which point Sam, having recovered from his attack of the vapours, suddenly stood up, looked me up and down with a critical eye and casually walked back into the house unaffected by the whole experience, leaving me locked in an awkward smile as the neighbours began to side shuffle off in escape!!


FLASH THREE (The Final Flash-down) 


My most recent flash occurred not too long ago as I sauntered into the bedroom one morning having enjoyed a particularly refreshing shower. This time my tired old dressing gown had been replaced by an equally old and tired nightie that, having suffered a mishap in the wash, was considerably shorter than when originally purchased.



Still, this was of no consequence as no one would see me, which would have been an accurate assumption had I not switched to auto-pilot mode and drifted over to the window to close the blinds without a thought given to the fact that when I reached up for the cord my ragged and reduced apparel would ride up revealing to the street below, albeit briefly, a sight even my own eyes are reluctant to behold!


This personal moment of unmasking the monster wouldn't have been so bad had I not lived on a main road close to traffic lights which, in their job of prompting vehicles to stop, had inadvertently supplied me with a captive audience!!!


Unsurprisingly, there was no applause but no doubt it's only a matter of time before the first invoice for counselling sessions slips through the post!!!


Anyway, must dash! I'm off to invest in a Onesie.......it's a matter of public safety!  



© Copyright Lynn Gerrard