Wednesday, 30 December 2015

New Year's Evil...

I hate the middle bit between Christmas and New Year. You know, the bit that hangs over us like an awning of pending miseries to come. Oh you can deny it all you want but the truth remains, once the last cracker has been pulled and the cat's choked on the crappy plastic toy which shot off at a tangent, the dread of the approaching new year begins.

Yes, you have one last chance on New Years Eve to guzzle more alcohol and clog your colons with calorific time bombs but after that....what then?

Time for a New Year's resolution!:

A reality hangover that's what!!

The permission slip you were handed by society to be seasonally 'Merry' has been revoked, therefore, you no longer have an excuse to be the overindulgent, out of shape piss head you actually are and so off you go to seek a means of remedying the situation.

Enter the New Year Resolution.

And what a crock of old crap THAT is!!

Oh yes, you're eager at first, positively buzzing with the thought of the 'new you' you'll become....but such thoughts come easy when the fumes from your booze-infused breath are so pungent they've just scorched the fur off the hamster!

The sober you isn't as keen.

And then, of course, there's the herding instinct isn't there? Yeah, it's where you're caught up with the hysteria of the masses and so you jump aboard the train to New-Year-Resolutions-Ville until further down the line, when the euphoria of mentally applying yourself to a better you is replaced by the horror of physically applying yourself to a better you and you think... 'sod this...(or words to that effect)...before speedily disembarking and launching yourself, unceremoniously, upon the mercy of the old familiar track!

New Year's Eve Resolutions. But the other way around.: Do you know what I think? I think that someone else should distribute the new year resolutions. Someone close to you. It's these people who know you best and are, therefore, in a more suitably informed position to point out the areas for change you should REALLY be focusing on...

Areas such as that temple-throbbingly annoying squelchy sound some people make when they eat! A sound you could easily replicate if you took to wearing flippers whilst jogging on the spot in mud! Of course, there would be a forfeit if you were found to be in breach of your appointed resolution.

In the case of the noisy muncher they would be denied all solids and any hint of a slurp whilst sipping soup would result in them wearing it!! Or you could simply pin their tongue to the dining table, mid-chew, via a fork!

Snoring – A True Nightmare Serial snorers would be committed to implementing one of the plethora of remedies available (and yet frequently ignored) which would serve to remove the twitch-inducing problem they DENY exists, thus, finally allowing their long-suffering partners a peaceful nights sleep!

Failure to comply with the appropriate solution would result in the offender suffering the after effects of being repeatedly Tasered by the administrator of the resolution.

Mind you, there are those dedicated persons out there who need no prompting to ensure they adhere to their resolutions. Oh no, these determined warriors of willpower stoically and jovially skippity-skip their lithe, fat-free husks all the way to the gym every day for hours on end, fine tuning their toned, athletic, nimble shapes as we weaker individuals can but watch on, our wobbly bits bearing the scars of doughnuts past....

And it is to these disciples of discipline I will, this coming New Years Eve, be raising SEVERAL hearty glasses of Asda's best Chardonnay whilst loudly, firmly, and most resolutely reminding them that....

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 6 December 2015


Only by breaking the links

Of prejudice and discrimination

Can we truly appreciate

The beauty of our fellow man

And finally accept

That we are but one people!

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

A Stranger's Pain...

I cried a cry

'Cos a hurt just weighed me down

But the hurt that hurt

Wasn't one to call my own.

A strangers pain

Tugged at the strings that held my heart

Until the anchor

To my feelings pulled apart

And up and out and on those feelings went

Invisible to the one whose tears had wrenched

The final strands of hope

From a weary soul

Their feelings crushed

My own too distant to console.

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Thursday, 3 September 2015

How Cold The Ground...

How cold the ground

In which you lie

How cold and uninviting

And yet to be with you again

I would shed the flesh

That binds me.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Wednesday, 2 September 2015


In need of guidance

Today searched for the promise

Of Tomorrow

But could not find it.

Looking back

Today sought out the wisdom

Of Yesterday

But it too, could not be found.


Today considered the frailty

Of its condition

And finally acknowledged

That it would forever be


Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Thursday, 27 August 2015


We are afloat

Upon a sea of your indifference

Our weary heads barely bobbing above the waters.

Soon we shall succumb to the reality of your disinterest

And vanish beneath the waves

Where even there we will be no more invisible to you

Than we are now.

Oh fellow traveller on life's journey

Why do you banish us from your shores?

Why do you fear our tread upon the path we each share?

Ours is not to take your treasures from you

To pillage the bountiful stock of your reserves

Ours is only to harvest the succour and sanctuary of human kind

To watch our children grow without the haunting presence

Of hopelessness in their eyes.

Have you a care?

In this universe, do we not each cling on to the precarious raft of life

With tired fingers?

Were your grip to loosen, would you not seek the refuge of a firmer hand?

I would be that hand for you should you so need it

How sorry the day that sees you raise your own to turn me away.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 23 August 2015

50 Minutes...

50 minutes

To make 'em laugh

Read 'em her poems

Show 'em her craft

50 minutes

To put on a show

Screaming inside,

Can't let them know

50 minutes

To prove to herself

She need not be defined

By her shaky mental health

50 minutes

Pretending she is fine

To canter with the banter

Through a well rehearsed smile

50 minutes

Heart pounding, mouth dry

The Grumblings of a Gargoyle

Quietly wishing she could fly

50 minutes

Then whilst holding back the tears

She smiles and says her 'thank yous'

Before she quickly disappears

Over 50 years

Gradually gathering the dirt

That's settled in her system

Covering tracks of her self worth.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Wednesday, 19 August 2015

The Devil's Tree...

In the Devils Tree

They placed their trust

Foolish slaves

To loveless lust

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Love Thy Neigh-bour...

Over the years I've had more than my fair share of to put it...'interesting' neighbours.

Ranging from the woman who kept a horse in her living room (I jest ye not) to the family who borrowed a friends goat to keep their grass short! I mean how did that conversation go?

Her: (eyes glued to Loose Women) "Grass needs cutting we're gonna have to buy a mower" 

Him: (scratching a beer gut threatening to escape a gravy stained vest) "Nah, sod it, give Ken a ring, see if his goat's busy this weekend"

Goats farm goat gate sign
A further point of interest regarding both horse and goat is that, like mine, the homes and gardens they frequented were not part of some countrified landscape. There were no large, echoing rooms befitting a stately home to wander through, nor were there acres of rambling pastures to graze and gallop upon. 

Nope, these houses were just your ordinary town residences, hardly big enough to swing a another neighbour of mine once discovered just prior to his arrest.

Still, mad these people may have been but at least they were pet friendly!

And then of course there was the lovely Mr and Mrs Peters. Both in their late seventies and a  delight to live next to, back in the day. However, just like any of us, they could be prone to the odd mood swing, as happened shortly after we brought a cat home to stay with us. 

Anti-smoking advertising design
Our back gardens were adjacent to the other and separated by a low fence which didn't afford any privacy but neither of our families were invasive of the other so all worked out well.

One day, after a pain-in-the-arse kinda day at work, I walked into the garden to calm down with a fag ( packed in years ago, best thing I ever the lie I keep telling myself. Sometimes I've walked past someone who's puffing away on a cigarette and I've inhaled their spent smoke with such zeal, I've taken their ash with it!) anyway, Mr Peters was quick to beckon me over to him.

As he did so I noticed he held a photograph in his hand.

"Take a look at this" he said, in an unusually gruff manner.

I did as he asked, politely smiled, even though a tad perplexed and said, "What lovely hedgehogs" 'cos they were but I'd no idea as to why he was sharing this image of the prickly pair with me. I was knackered and in no mood for a David Attenborough moment!

"Yes! They WERE lovely weren't they?"

Mr Peters eyebrows, so long and thick it may have been worth considering tie backs, began to slide down his anger creased brow to meet with the other in the middle of his nose, which itself was host to nostrils flaring like bellows!

I had no idea what kind of a response was expected of me here so I just stood still and hoped for a clue, quietly marvelling at the gloss on Mr Peter's ear hair as it fluttered slightly in the wind.

"Me and Mrs Peters have fed these hedgehogs every night for years and now, because of your cat, they've gone"

"Gone? Mr Peters I'm sorry to hear that they've gone but I don't see how my cat can be responsible, she hasn't been out of the house yet!"

His little rheumy eyes narrowed as he practically spat.

"They must have seen it in your window then! It must have been goading them!! Mrs Peters is very upset!" and with that he sharply turned to walk back into his house, photo grasped in palm, passing Mrs Peters who had, by then, come to stand on the back step.

Evil Hedgehog PicturesNow awaiting to suffer Mrs Peter's reprimand, I remained rooted to the spot and watched her turn to check if Mr Peters was out of earshot before she spoke

"Filthy, flea riddled, disease carrying, freeloaders!. I hate the spiky little bastards. Oh, and forgive Mr Peters outburst, the hedgehogs disappearance had nothing to do with your cat. But if you don't mind, there's no need to tell him that, is there?" and with a gentle smile and a mischievous glint in her eye, into the house she returned.

I never did ask Mrs Peters what had actually happened to the hedgehogs. All I know is, the next time I saw her she was wearing a pair of dodgy looking shoes!

( to be continued)...

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 10 August 2015

How Sad The Song...

How sad the song

Of all that is gone

And never more

Shall be

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Circle Of Life...

The circle of life

A symbiotic shambles

Between man

And machine 

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Flight of the Gargoyle...

This night I fly

Into darkened skies

Where I will dwell

With thoughts of mine

Mayhap some day

I will return

To tell the tale

Of all I've learned 

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday, 4 August 2015

Some Days...

Some days we can

But sit and sigh

And wonder what

It is like to fly

poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 18 July 2015


Sometimes we need

To dust the mind

And pluck the cobwebs

From our eyes

To clearly see

The world around

And not by prejudice

Be bound

poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 12 July 2015

'Why Me????...**BLOG POST**

The tale which is about to unfold before you is disturbing on many levels, mainly because the majority of the unsettling events which form the narrative.....are hideously true!...

Prithee do continue, gentle and curious reader.

So there I was, standing alone at the bus stop, in the rain, minding my own business, when I spotted some bearded guy walking towards me with determined rapidity. The pyjamas flapping around him heralding his approach should have been a clue that something wasn't quite right here.

I did that thing we all do in moments of awkward discomfort. I kept my eyes firmly on the ground and mumbled..."Oh shit! Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!"

He stopped!

Reluctantly, I dragged my gaze from the pavement to find him looking directly at me. Suddenly a voice, which squeaked like a wonky wheel on a shopping trolley, loudly proclaimed...

"Look at you standing there like a Parisian whore...I hope all your children are born cross eyed!"...

As I started to process his perception of my choice of apparel, inwardly worrying I'd inadvertently dressed as a French hooker that morning and with those endearing well wishes delivered, he briskly continued upon his merry way. 

Dragging with him there scuttled a solitary flip-flop...(does that make it a flip or a flop then?...ok, ok, I digress)...leaving ME with the mental imagery of any future kids I should bear, standing in a line, struggling to focus, each with a plaster over one eye!

Eventually my bus arrived and with great relief I jumped on board. I'd quite a way to go and after a while the rhythm of the engine lulled me into a semi-stupor.

Truck driver humor | NEW ORLEANS Bus Driver's Sense Of Humor

It was only when my head banged into the window with some force, as the bus went over a bump, that I came to my senses and realised I had travelled a fair distance with my face pressed against the glass, my tongue having formed the perfect conduit for drool. 

I quickly tried to recover my dignity but this was a bit difficult with the old dear sitting opposite gawping at my her gnarled fist handed me a tissue.

Thankfully, there wasn't much further to go now and as the bus stopped to pick up more passengers I casually glanced out of the find some guy wearing a hooded duffel coat glaring right at me through a curtain of pouring rain, like an auditionee for The Shining!

There he stood, rigid...arms stiffened by his sides, fists clenched. Rain cascaded over him with unrelenting fervour. All the time his eyes stared threateningly into mine whilst his lips slowly creased into a rictus grin, bizarrely, I was hypnotised. I couldn't look away!.

Gradually I watched his fists begin to uncurl and then, almost in slow motion, he raised both hands, in perfect unison, right up to the glass, behind which my incredulous face hovered wearing an expression of raw stupid!.....and gave me two fingers!...several times! rapid succession!...whilst mouthing..."F**k You"!!...following which, he turned and ran off down the road, arms outstretched, fingers still gesticulating their urgent message, face raised to the sky, lost within a maniacal laugh!!

I'd like to think that at some point he ran into a lamppost.

been there beforeShocked, gobsmacked and with gasteds seriously flabbered...I looked around to see if any of the other passengers had witnessed this bizarre event. If they had no one said anything. 

All faces wore the same expression of having given up on life as they silently shuffled along their seats to make room for more automatons, eyes glazed and empty,  locked into a mind-melt with the mother ship.

Stunned, I flopped back in my seat, eager to get the rest of the journey over with and it was as the bus was about to set off that some chap who had just boarded and sat in the seat in front of mine, suddenly swivelled round, his face inches from my own and, whilst smiling through a set of teeth the condition of which would have earned him a VIP pass to the Jeremy Kyle Show, said to me....

"I shouldn't be out ya know"....

This news bulletin reached my ears after surfing breath so offensive as to bleach my nasal hair! His mouth should have been covered with 'Crime scene' tape! And still he remained twisted upon his seat to allow him to continue to stare at me. 

Maybe he was waiting for the toxic vapours he emitted to render me unconscious! 

It was as I watched him prepare to draw another breath (a direct insult to the poor tree, out there somewhere, tirelessly pumping out oxygen to feed him) that I decided I had had enough!

"D'ya know what?" I loudly raved whilst jumping from my seat and stomping angrily to the front of the bus "I think you'll find...I'm the one who shouldn't be soddin'  out!!!!!!!!"...

And with that said, I jumped off the bus and walked the rest of the way home with the downpour beating upon my stressed out bits!!

Tell you what though, if I ever have need to do that again.............I'll definitely wait for the bus to stop first!!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 30 May 2015

A Right Pain in the.... *BLOG POST*

It's always with great reluctance I ever go to the doctors. I loathe acquiring the need to go...I loathe the battle with the receptionist to allow me an appointment to let me go...and I loathe being stuck in a waiting room that's bulging with bug carrying beings secreting their bacteria willy-nillily into an atmosphere already polluted with the infected detritus of patients past!

So, one day, in a effort to avoid such a scenario, after having spent a couple of days prior in growing agony with a pain in my was with equal reluctance I decided to ring the NHS helpline ( as it was then)  to seek their advice...

"Good morning, NHS Direct" said the monotonic voice with all the warmth of a mortuary slab!

"Oh hello, sorry to bother you, but I wondered if you could help me?"

"What's the problem" she yawned

"Well, I've an intense pain down my back and into my side"

"What kind of pain?"

Why do people ask that question??? How am I supposed to answer?..."It's a wonderful pain really, I'm reluctant to part with the agony!"

What I actually said was...

"All I can tell you, is that it's a painful pain"

"Can you describe it to me?" I could sense her eyes rolling as she grunted this request!

Retro Humor
"What? Describe it to you? Well, not really...maybe if I screamed down the phone you could assess it!"

Her sigh was palpable.

We stumbled around a few more questions as I grimaced in increasing discomfort, until she asked...

"What do you think you've got?"

"Pardon?" an incredulous gasp escaped from behind my clenched teeth.

"What do YOU think you've got?"

"What do I think I've got???...'What. Do. I. Think. I've. Got'!!!...You're not quite grasping the concept of Helpline are you?...Aren't you supposed to tell me?....Isn't that how this works!!"

I was so frustrated at this point that after expressing my feelings through continuing spasms of agony I decided to slam the phone down....and would have done so had she not done so first!

Well, there was nothing else for it, I was going to have to bite the bullet and confront the wizened harridan behind the reception desk at the doctors surgery, pissed with power 'cos she's got her own stapler! I believe she was engaged to be married once.....but then he got his sight back! I swear, if you were to collapse at her desk, she'd write for an ambulance!!

we <3 ZiggyAnyway, I took a deep breath and rang the surgery to make an appointment. 

"Doctors surgery"...she spat.

"I'd like an appointment to see Dr. Handson tomorrow please"

"If you want an appointment tomorrow you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning"

"Well, given that I'm ringing now couldn't you just mark it down for me please?" 

"No...we can only allocate appointments on the day".

"Ok, can I have an appointment with Dr. Handson this morning then please"

"No...he's booked up"

"Oh right...well...are you sure I'll get in to see him tomorrow then?"

"'ll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning and I'll tell you"

"For God's sake! What about tomorrow afternoon then? Can you book me in for then?"

"If you want an appointment tomorrow afternoon you'll need to phone at 2:30 tomorrow" 

"Oh Holy Jesus in Heaven!"...I strained. "I've got high blood pressure you know...I can feel my veins stretching! You're not helping here! Have you...for the sake of anything for this afternoon then?????".

"It's possible"

"It is?...Is it?"...I'd never been this excited since I got the card telling me I'd won the beauty competition......I love Monopoly I do!

 "Wonderful...can you tell me what time please?"

"No...You'll have to phone up at 2:30"

Shortly after this episode I was admitted to hospital with concussion after smashing myself in the head, several times with a handset! As for the pain in my side? Thankfully it vanished, seems it couldn't compete with the right pain in the arse the days events had provided!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Never mind...

My fear is not

To lose my mind

My fear is that

My mind I'll find!

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard