Friday, 16 June 2017

The Turn...

Youth now spent

As age stomps on

Leaves wistful thoughts

Of all that's gone

'Cos now where once

I did turn heads

My wizened form

Turns stomachs instead!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 11 June 2017

When I Am Gone...

When I am gone

I shall not miss

That which I was

Nor shall I miss

That which

I might have been

I shall miss only

That which I never was

To you

Poem only ©Copyright Lynn Gerrard


Home lies not

Where the heart is

For the heart is fickle

And easily distracted

Home lies where

The soul best fits

And for some

Such a place 

Holds a darkness

Like no other

Poem only ©Copyright Lynn Gerrard



Being alone

Is too much

Of a crowd

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Fitting In...

I do not want to 'fit in'

I do not want to be judged

By those who 'fit in'

My only want

Is to live amongst

And to be inspired

By fellow souls

Who also do not 'fit in'

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 5 June 2017

Holiday Cat An' Me....

A little while ago, whilst holidaying on the idyllic island of Majorca, an unlikely friendship was formed between myself and a rather beautiful, calico feline after she sashayed into the grounds of the villa one day and instantly made herself at home.

Here are our own separate diary entries each documenting the tender evolution of our wonderful palship...
I have arrived....
prepare to adore me, human....

Day 1, Me:

Cat appeared from nowhere...very friendly...decided to give her treats. Have called her 'Holiday Cat' aka 'Meow-Meow'.

Day 1, Cat:

Another human arrived from 'Who gives a shit'...particularly malleable...decided to purr for her to acquire treats. Have called her 'Sucker' aka 'Sucker'.

Day 2, Me:

Wonderful to be greeted on terrace this morning by Meow-Meow...her affectionate rubbing around my legs brought even more joy to an already glorious day.

Day 2, Cat:

Wonderful to rid self of build-up of evening's shite by rubbing fur on legs of Sucker...brought much relief to an already itchy day.

Day 3, Me:

Relaxing here by the pool in the brilliant sunshine, I cannot help but gaze and ponder upon the graceful dexterity of Meow-Meow as, through a series of well-practiced licks, she scrupulously tends to her personal hygiene regimen. Nature truly is a wonderful thing.

Day 3, Cat:

Sprawled here in the blinding sunshine, I cannot help but wonder why Sucker persists to stare at me so intensely and at length as I lick my arse...voyeurism truly is a worrying thing.

Day 4, Me:

This morning, opened balcony door...Meow-Meow deposited mouse by feet...screamed...found courage to grab slice of ham to distract her...rescued mouse and placed in box to recover.

Day 4, Cat:

Gift well received...Sucker squealed with what can only be interpreted as delight...took offering away obviously to devour in private. Slice of ham reward for my generosity. Hm...more rodent gifts to follow methinks.

Day 5, Me:

Does this LOOK like
my happy face???
Arrived back from sightseeing jaunt later than expected...good to be welcomed by harmonious mewling of a very patient Meow-Meow endearingly unperturbed by the lateness of the evening meal I always prepare for her.

Day 5, Cat:

Where the f**k has she been all day and where the f**k is my food!

Day 6, Me:

Thunder and lightning raging across sky...despite my fear of it I cannot leave Meow-Meow to endure it outside alone...I shall sit with her, stroke her and bring her comfort.

Day 6, Cat:

Whole evenings ratting ruined by my having to babysit soft-shite, Sucker.

Mmm...sardines...whoopie f*****g  woo!!!

Day 7, Me:

My last day at the villa...dreading saying goodbye to Meow-Meow tomorrow...tonight will be her last treat of the tinned sardines she so adores.

Day 7, Cat:

For God's sake, when will Sucker and her sardine obsession sod off back home! breath reeks and my oily farts are knocking me sick!

Day 8, Me:

Never expected to get so attached to Meow-Meow...will miss her morning greetings...will miss the company of her gentle softness...will miss the soothing hum of her purring...will miss her...

Day 8, Cat:

Never expected to get so attached to Sucker...will miss her morning greetings...will miss the  company of her gentle strokings...will miss the soothing hum of her noises....will miss.......hold on...are those new people arriving???......Sucker?...Who the hell is Sucker???...

MEOW-MEOW looking after SUCKER during the storm

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 28 May 2017


If it was not for Today

There would be no Tomorrow

If it was not for Yesterday

There would be no Today

If it was not for measuring time

We would know freedom.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 22 May 2017

Dear Person...*Blog Post*

Dear Person On Duty Behind The 'We Are Here To Help' Desk,

May I suggest that in order to perpetuate the myth that you actually ARE 'Here To help' you replace your customer greeting of "Go on then, what's up?" with a more courteous "Good morning/afternoon, how may I help you?"

Perhaps, should you ever manage to undergo the necessary surgery to remove a cupped palm from an unshaven chin as you lean upon your elbow in a state of disgruntlement, you could attempt to curve your tightly pinched, inconvenienced lips into, at least, the semblance of a smile?

(A visual aid has been included with this missive to assist you in implementing such an arduous manoeuvre).

Also, as innovative as it may be that you have utilised your body odour as a means of repelling customers who bear complaints, I personally find the anaesthetising properties of your pungent pits to be overly productive. Perhaps a visit to the 'personal hygiene' section of your store could prove advantageous both for yourself and for anyone within a five-mile radius. 

Dear Person Who Parks Car On Pavement Blocking All Pedestrian Access Causing Havoc For Disabled People And Those Pushing Prams,

You park in disabled bays too, don't you? Well, being a selfish prick isn't a disability! Think of people other than yourself! 

Obviously, in order to do that, you'd need to enquire about having your lobotomy reversed, however, I'm certain such an effort would be gratefully appreciated by all those vulnerable passers-by who struggle daily to resist the urge to take a sledgehammer to you and your vehicle!

Dear Person Who Lets Their Dog Off The Lead In Park Despite Plethora Of Signs Stating It Is PROHIBITED!,

No doubt it will come as a great shock to discover that your precious bundle of bouncy-wouncy furriness has the potential to rip a baby's face off based on the principle that anything with a f******g mouth can bite!!

Yes, I know that your fluffy-diddums wouldn't hurt a fly but flies are not at risk here, are they?

I grasp that it's hard for you to absorb the notion that your four-legged chum could be more 'feral' than 'friendly' but that's just how it is.

And yes, I've read the heartwarming stories where a poor pooch left bereft  by its owners' demise has kept a loyal, lengthy and solitary vigil splayed across their grave...very touching...

...but I've also read the heart-stopping stories where a poor pooch, suddenly and inexplicably bereft of its senses has unceremoniously leapt upon its owner, shredding them to pieces as one would pulled pork whilst casting a blood-crazed eye over the hamster for potential dessert!

And finally...

Dear Person Who Wears Crocs,


© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 21 May 2017

Wilde and the Gargoyle...

The Gargoyle thought

Of Oscar Wilde

As to herself

She muttered

I may be looking

At the stars

But I'm stuck

In this bloody Gutter!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

'Can't Do Right'...

I can't do right

For doing wrong

So I'm going to sing

The 'Can't Do Right' Song

Don't look for a melody

'Cos there is no tune

Needless to say

I screwed that up too!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Most Cruel...

I do not know

Which is the most 


Losing the energy

Of youth

Or retaining

The memory of it

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Thursday, 18 May 2017

Dark Passion...

Give me calm

In my head

Give me chaos

In my bed

Use your tongue

To console

Let dark passion

Take control

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 12 March 2017


When did

The sound of my voice

Become an inconvenient


At the other end of a phone

The focus of

Forced niceties 

And barely concealed sighs?

When did

An invitation for my presence

At family gatherings

Become a reluctant


The product of

Guilt-laced obligation

Rather than want?

When did

A loved one's visit

Become an accommodating


Of  cheerful attendance

And frequent

Surreptitious glances 

Towards the clock?

When did

My talk and opinions

Become regarded

 Inconsequential babble

Politely tolerated


Placatory smiles

Of covert condescension?

When did

The buoyant and essential me

Become deemed

An irksome burden

A repository 

Of defunct purpose

And ever eroding


When did

The value of me

Become measured

Purely by

My fading dexterity

And not by

The vitality

Of my essence?


When I grew old

My friend

When I grew old.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Song Of Life...


The ground

No longer dances

To the rhythm

Of our tread


Our song of life

No longer

Fills the air


By man's hand

We are pushed

Into extinction


The absence

Of our music

Bring despair.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 11 February 2017



Who have


Would give me


Yet I

Who have little

Would give you


Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 4 February 2017

Shadow Dancing...

Our bones may creak

Our skin may sag

But we can leave 

Old age behind

If we dare to step

Beyond the flesh

Onto the dance floor

Of the mind!

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 30 January 2017


Happiness cracked my ribs

And gave me wrinkles

My laughter lines

Are deeper than an Arctic crack

I have to wear a corset

Since my sides split

And I've been in stitches

More times

Than a needlepoint plaque!

Yes, happiness has caught me

Creased up and crying

Doubled over

And rolling in the aisles

I've bust a gut, cracked up

Thought I was dying

When I got lock jaw

Through an overzealous smile!

Happiness has left me

Panting madly

Struggling to find a breath

In a great guffaw

But more than that

It's made me feel quite shameful

When a chuckling chortle's caused me

To wet my drawers!

All in all

You're welcome to your merriment

But in my case

It's just not working out

The risk assessment's proven

Joy's too damaging

So, I'll medicate on misery

Through a pout.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 29 January 2017

Let My Tears Flow...

Let my tears flow

That they should carry

The unrelenting ache

Of my broken heart

Back to a place

Where once

You and I

Held the other close

And would never part.

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard