It's always with great reluctance I ever go to the doctors. I loathe acquiring the need to go...I loathe the battle with the receptionist to allow me an appointment to let me go...and I loathe being stuck in a waiting room that's bulging with bug carrying beings secreting their bacteria willy-nillily into an atmosphere already polluted with the infected detritus of patients past!
So, one day, in a effort to avoid such a scenario, after having spent a couple of days prior in growing agony with a pain in my side...it was with equal reluctance I decided to ring the NHS helpline ( as it was then) to seek their advice..."Good morning, NHS Direct" said the monotonic voice with all the warmth of a mortuary slab!
"Oh hello, sorry to bother you, but I wondered if you could help me?"
"What's the problem" she yawned
"Well, I've an intense pain down my back and into my side"
"What kind of pain?"
Why do people ask that question??? How am I supposed to answer?..."It's a wonderful pain really, I'm reluctant to part with the agony!"
What I actually said was...
"All I can tell you, is that it's a painful pain"
"Can you describe it to me?" I could sense her eyes rolling as she grunted this request!
"What? Describe it to you? Well, not really...maybe if I screamed down the phone you could assess it!"
Her sigh was palpable.
We stumbled around a few more questions as I grimaced in increasing discomfort, until she asked...
"What do you think you've got?"
"Pardon?" an incredulous gasp escaped from behind my clenched teeth.
"What do YOU think you've got?"
"What do I think I've got???...'What. Do. I. Think. I've. Got'!!!...You're not quite grasping the concept of Helpline are you?...Aren't you supposed to tell me?....Isn't that how this works!!"
I was so frustrated at this point that after expressing my feelings through continuing spasms of agony I decided to slam the phone down....and would have done so had she not done so first!
Well, there was nothing else for it, I was going to have to bite the bullet and confront the wizened harridan behind the reception desk at the doctors surgery, pissed with power 'cos she's got her own stapler! I believe she was engaged to be married once.....but then he got his sight back! I swear, if you were to collapse at her desk, she'd write for an ambulance!!
Anyway, I took a deep breath and rang the surgery to make an appointment. "Doctors surgery"...she spat.
"I'd like an appointment to see Dr. Handson tomorrow please"
"If you want an appointment tomorrow you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning"
"Well, given that I'm ringing now couldn't you just mark it down for me please?"
"No...we can only allocate appointments on the day".
"Ok, can I have an appointment with Dr. Handson this morning then please"
"No...he's booked up"
"Oh right...well...are you sure I'll get in to see him tomorrow then?"
"No...you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning and I'll tell you"
"For God's sake! What about tomorrow afternoon then? Can you book me in for then?"
"If you want an appointment tomorrow afternoon you'll need to phone at 2:30 tomorrow"
"Oh Holy Jesus in Heaven!"...I strained. "I've got high blood pressure you know...I can feel my veins stretching! You're not helping here! Have you...for the sake of Christ...got anything for this afternoon then?????".
"It's possible"
"It is?...Is it?"...I'd never been this excited since I got the card telling me I'd won the beauty competition......I love Monopoly I do!
"Wonderful...can you tell me what time please?"
"No...You'll have to phone up at 2:30"
Shortly after this episode I was admitted to hospital with concussion after smashing myself in the head, several times with a handset! As for the pain in my side? Thankfully it vanished, seems it couldn't compete with the right pain in the arse the days events had provided!
"No...we can only allocate appointments on the day".
"Ok, can I have an appointment with Dr. Handson this morning then please"
"No...he's booked up"
"Oh right...well...are you sure I'll get in to see him tomorrow then?"
"No...you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning and I'll tell you"
"For God's sake! What about tomorrow afternoon then? Can you book me in for then?"
"If you want an appointment tomorrow afternoon you'll need to phone at 2:30 tomorrow"
"Oh Holy Jesus in Heaven!"...I strained. "I've got high blood pressure you know...I can feel my veins stretching! You're not helping here! Have you...for the sake of Christ...got anything for this afternoon then?????".
"It's possible"
"It is?...Is it?"...I'd never been this excited since I got the card telling me I'd won the beauty competition......I love Monopoly I do!
"Wonderful...can you tell me what time please?"
"No...You'll have to phone up at 2:30"
Shortly after this episode I was admitted to hospital with concussion after smashing myself in the head, several times with a handset! As for the pain in my side? Thankfully it vanished, seems it couldn't compete with the right pain in the arse the days events had provided!
© Copyright Lynn Gerrard
