Monday, 22 May 2017

Dear Person...*Blog Post*

Dear Person On Duty Behind The 'We Are Here To Help' Desk,

May I suggest that in order to perpetuate the myth that you actually ARE 'Here To help' you replace your customer greeting of "Go on then, what's up?" with a more courteous "Good morning/afternoon, how may I help you?"

Perhaps, should you ever manage to undergo the necessary surgery to remove a cupped palm from an unshaven chin as you lean upon your elbow in a state of disgruntlement, you could attempt to curve your tightly pinched, inconvenienced lips into, at least, the semblance of a smile?

(A visual aid has been included with this missive to assist you in implementing such an arduous manoeuvre).

Also, as innovative as it may be that you have utilised your body odour as a means of repelling customers who bear complaints, I personally find the anaesthetising properties of your pungent pits to be overly productive. Perhaps a visit to the 'personal hygiene' section of your store could prove advantageous both for yourself and for anyone within a five-mile radius. 

Dear Person Who Parks Car On Pavement Blocking All Pedestrian Access Causing Havoc For Disabled People And Those Pushing Prams,

You park in disabled bays too, don't you? Well, being a selfish prick isn't a disability! Think of people other than yourself! 

Obviously, in order to do that, you'd need to enquire about having your lobotomy reversed, however, I'm certain such an effort would be gratefully appreciated by all those vulnerable passers-by who struggle daily to resist the urge to take a sledgehammer to you and your vehicle!

Dear Person Who Lets Their Dog Off The Lead In Park Despite Plethora Of Signs Stating It Is PROHIBITED!,

No doubt it will come as a great shock to discover that your precious bundle of bouncy-wouncy furriness has the potential to rip a baby's face off based on the principle that anything with a f******g mouth can bite!!

Yes, I know that your fluffy-diddums wouldn't hurt a fly but flies are not at risk here, are they?

I grasp that it's hard for you to absorb the notion that your four-legged chum could be more 'feral' than 'friendly' but that's just how it is.

And yes, I've read the heartwarming stories where a poor pooch left bereft  by its owners' demise has kept a loyal, lengthy and solitary vigil splayed across their grave...very touching...

...but I've also read the heart-stopping stories where a poor pooch, suddenly and inexplicably bereft of its senses has unceremoniously leapt upon its owner, shredding them to pieces as one would pulled pork whilst casting a blood-crazed eye over the hamster for potential dessert!

And finally...

Dear Person Who Wears Crocs,


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