Friday, 3 April 2015

A Flash Too Far!....**BLOG POST**

In my life thus far...I have unintentionally flashed my bits on 3 cringe worthy occasions...


Many years ago, as I knelt in front of a mirror in the living room one evening drying my hair after a hot bath, wearing nothing more than a battered old dressing gown...the parish priest called around unannounced, as they tended to back then...( you know, collecting protection money...checking on gang members an' stuff! )... 

Anyway, he walked straight into the room, I jumped up in surprise, caught my foot on the belt of my dressing gown and instantly exposed myself to him! The most uncomfortable thing about that experience was the prolonged eye contact and my inability to move as he slowly began to make noises of mass repulsion!

I didn't see much of him after that...although he'd seen enough of me!


Years later, once again, I found myself wearing nothing other than a well worn but comfy old dressing gown (not the same as in my previous flash...that one didn't survive the exorcism) after having had a luxurious bath, before sitting down, in the living room, to enjoy a frothy coffee and several chunks of chocolate.

That's when my little old dog, Sam, started to do that undulative, dry heave thing that dogs do as a prelude to a mega-puke.

Wanting to avoid the clean-up campaign in the lounge, I quickly jumped up and ran to the door at the front of the house, 'cos it was closer to the outside than the back door was, and urged Sam to follow...which he did...BUT... I opened the door Sam's tried to rush out at exactly the same time as his stomach contents have decided to evacuate his little furry body, resulting in the produce of his projectile offering grand slamming against the door, which instantly catapulted the mess up the wall in the hall, eventually allowing a kaleidoscopic arrangement of slimy chunks to slide gracefully into a glutinous blob, upon the carpet!

Emptied of his discharge, Sam then proceeded to go beyond the front door, where I stood numbed by the unfolding events, and out into the front garden where he dropped to the floor in a dead faint!

Whilst gawping at my beloved mutt, prostrate upon the floor with an attack of the vapours, my peripheral vision alerted me to my neighbours returning home from an evening out.

In a snap-shot our eyes locked over the surreal scene and that's when my dressing gown seized the opportunity to fling itself open to reveal the numb and naked figure which quivered beneath, upon the unwanted attentions of my jaw-dropped neighbours!

Once again, uncomfortable nano-seconds of eye contact remained 

Unbelievably, all I could do was remain pinned to the spot as my neighbours looked on bemused, at which point Sam, having recovered from his attack of the vapours, suddenly stood up, looked me up and down with a critical eye and casually walked back into the house unaffected by the whole experience, leaving me locked in an awkward smile as the neighbours began to side shuffle off in escape!!

FLASH THREE (The Final Flash-down) 

My most recent flash occurred not too long ago as I sauntered into the bedroom one morning having enjoyed a particularly refreshing shower. This time my tired old dressing gown had been replaced by an equally old and tired nightie that, having suffered a mishap in the wash, was considerably shorter than when originally purchased.

Still, this was of no consequence as no one would see me, which would have been an accurate assumption had I not switched to auto-pilot mode and drifted over to the window to close the blinds without a thought given to the fact that when I reached up for the cord my ragged and reduced apparel would ride up revealing to the street below, albeit briefly, a sight even my own eyes are reluctant to behold!

This personal moment of unmasking the monster wouldn't have been so bad had I not lived on a main road close to traffic lights which, in their job of prompting vehicles to stop, had inadvertently supplied me with a captive audience!!!

Unsurprisingly, there was no applause but no doubt it's only a matter of time before the first invoice for counselling sessions slips through the post!!!

Anyway, must dash! I'm off to invest in a's a matter of public safety!  

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard