Sunday, 6 November 2016



On the 26th of October, my 6 foot Christmas tree was joyously decorated with baubles and erected in the window of my living room...much to the amazement of passers-by whose gaping maws mouthed incredulity more, I suspect, than they would have had I suctioned my naked form in a Garfield stance to that very pane. 

Now then, there were several reasons for my doing this and each of those reasons comprises entirely of the words " because I f*****g can!"

As for my being told by some "it's too early" well, maybe it could be deemed so had I erected it in THEIR living room...but I didn't...did I? No!

So, I tell you about YOU don't tell me when it's the right time to put my tree up and I won't tell all of you pyrotechnical premature ejaculates to stick your fireworks in an orifice of my choosing when you're frightening the shite out of my dog weeks before bonfire night, which is bad enough in itself!



Thank you for tuning into Lynn's Rant...

Ps: No animals were harmed during the erecting of my Christmas tree!

Pps: Merry Christmas!!

©  Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 28 August 2016


I etch my name

Into the wall

So there will

At least remain

An echo

Of the misery

That was me

Poem only ©  Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 14 August 2016

Death's Embrace...

Were it not

For the company

The cemetery provides

I would know little

Of love

Nor comfort

Poem only ©  Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Wednesday, 27 July 2016


Sit Emily

On the naughty chair

She's been

A very bad girl

She's poisoned

Her mother


Her brother

And daddy is

Food for the worms

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Humpty Dumpty...

Humpty Dumpty's world was at war

Humpty Dumpty watched his world fall

And all the politicians through lies and deceit

Couldn't put Humpty's world back on its feet!

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Wednesday, 13 July 2016


Woe is the poet

For he feels the loss

Of everything

Before its demise

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Web Of Tears...

Through tears of sorrow

How soft the web we weave

Its tender threads a cushion

And a comfort as we grieve.

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard 

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

The Strange Thing About Bob...

Some time ago I shared with you the peculiar goings-on of previous neighbours of mine from years back.

Click here for said post regarding peculiar-neighbours-from-years-back *points* >... Love Thy Neigh-bour

Now, at that time, the one neighbour I didn't mention was the one you are about to meet here, 
Bob, and that's because the peculiar happening associated with Bob, is worthy of a blog post all to itself.

Bob was a deliciously eccentric (mad as a box of twerking frogs) character and a remarkably talented artist who, as tends to be the case with truly gifted people, was completely unaware of just how damn good he was!

Bob was also a young man in his mid to late twenties, struggling to come to terms with the recent breakup of a relationship.

Whatever the reason behind the breakup, the outcome was that Bob's partner and their daughter no longer lived with them. This situation seemed to escalate the intensity of Bob's eccentricities as became apparent the day of a mutual friend's funeral.

As the hearse pulled up outside the house of the deceased, where his family and friends stood weeping in the front garden, draped in the sorrowful garb of their distress, handkerchiefs were soon removed from tear soaked eyes when they spotted the sight zooming towards them.


Being without a suitable means of transport, a slightly-behind-schedule Bob had rectified the situation by means of...a skateboard!

Whooshing along at some considerable speed, his black shirt (open to his naval) flapped crazily above black, skinny trousers! He looked like a deranged bat in the grip of a seizure! However, that story is not for now.

This one is...

Bob and I were next door neighbours. The back gates of our homes, leading to our respective gardens, faced the other. 

One day, a rather excited Bob abseiled down my back gate (I jest ye not and no, I don't know why he didn't just use the latch either. It was all part of Bob's strange charm) and into my garden where he stood in front of my patio doors to gain my attention.

It was my day off work so, whilst the kids were at school, I'd been relaxing with the doors open, reading a book, enjoying the view of the garden and relishing the summers breeze which whispered over me.

A bouncy, boingy Bob breached the tranquillity of this idyllic setting by asking me in a rather hysterical fashion if he could borrow my patio furniture. Before I had a chance to mentally absorb this request he went on to explain that it was his daughters birthday and his estranged partner and their families were calling round so they could celebrate it together and it being such a lovely day, he thought they'd do so outside.

"Aww" thought I.

Well, of course he could borrow it. The table and chairs were only plastic so they wouldn't be too difficult to manoeuvre from my garden to his, so not a problem at all.

Bob was most pleased and when I asked if he would like some help he thanked me but insisted all was in hand.  He then quickly returned to his house (via opening the gate with the latch, this time) and I returned to my afternoon of bliss, sat by the patio doors, lost amidst the characters of my book.

That's when things became a tad awkward.

About twenty minutes after our chat, I heard my back gate open once again, and in walked Bob. Obviously to collect the patio set. I carried on reading 'cos I was at a particularly good bit.

Maybe if I hadn't been so absorbed, I'd have noticed the trail of people spilling through my open gate behind Bob, before settling themselves around my patio set...under my parasol!

As they made themselves comfy and chatted to the other, Bob scurried to and from his house, each time returning with an assortment of buffet foods. Beverages of all descriptions followed until the table was full and everyone began to tuck happily into the feast.

Bob had also had the forethought to attach an extension to his ghetto blaster and so the celebratory setting was complete and hips were raring to gyrate accordingly. Not mine, may I add! Mine remained stunned and static.

Now, what you need to understand is that, I was but a few feet away from all of this! Had I leaned forward out from the living room and into the garden with a bit of a stretch I could have tapped birthday girl on the shoulder and licked the sausage roll she held so tightly in her grasp! it happens...I couldn't move!

I felt like some weird party pervert! A voyeur of vol au vents! Not so much hostess as hostage! I don't think I've ever felt as out of place, especially in my own home! And, as ridiculous as it may seem, I also felt oddly intrusive...standing there as I was, rigid, with a gormless expression on my face and just the hint of drool forming in the corner of my gob-smacked gob at the sight of the Marks & Spencer's trifle taking centre stage on the table.

Still, as intrusive as I may have been feeling, no one even looked at me. I think I was just accepted as being staff!

Anyway, they just got on with enjoying their day as if I wasn't there but it was only when Bob sneaked off to get the birthday cake that I found the courage to back off into the hall! Where I remained for some time.

Eventually, the party came to an end and the revellers drifted off somewhere beyond my garden. Possibly to someone elses.

I gathered from the laughter they took with them that they'd had a good time and bizarrely, I was pleased about that. I just worried about any other plans Bob might have for future family occasions!

The outcome was that Bob never mentioned that day ever again.....and, annoyingly, I never got to ask the question I'd been burning to ask.... 

"How come I didn't get an invite to the party???"

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 7 March 2016

The Gift...

A true gift

Is not measured

By the weight of the wallet

But by the fullness

Of the heart

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday, 15 February 2016


Many moons ago when I was a young wife and mother, things weren't going so well and countless times I'd cry myself to sleep worrying about the next day. So it was one evening, after fretfully dozing on the couch I succumbed unto a most peculiar and startlingly vivid dream.

In this dream a gentleman, who I did not know, sat upon the armchair which accompanied the settee in my living room. He was quite distinguished looking and possibly in his late 60s.

His hair was short and impossibly white. Above neatly pressed, white trousers he wore a crisp white shirt, partially hidden by a very smart, white jacket.

Leaning slightly forward in the chair, arms resting upon his lap with hands lightly folded within the other, the strangers manner was that of being completely at ease. A gentle smile prompted creases to form around warm, kindly eyes before lips parted to utter words in soft, reassuring tones...

"You have no need to feel so lonely, Lynn. You are never by yourself, for I am always watching over you. I have sat here with you many times and witnessed the pain of your distress.

Your tears hurt my heart as much as they do your own and so I tell you this, whenever the world treats you badly, all you have to do is think of me and I will be here, right by your side. I am but a thought away...never forget that"

And with that said, he was gone!

Well, shortly after my visitors exit, I woke up with the whole weird scene imprinted very clearly and quite sharply upon my mind. It genuinely was a most vivid encounter. So much so that even the air around me, in my waking state, prickled with an undefinable yet most palpable energy, as if in the wake of another's presence.

My eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness of the room as a sleepy, disoriented hand reached out to switch the lamp on. All the while, the words of my uninvited guest played on repeat in my head and that's when I realised that, thanks to him, my earlier worries had, indeed, dispersed.... be replaced by a fear so crippling and so intense as to justify the pungent odour which was now filling the room!

Omg! I mean, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse 'Snowy', my mystery caller,  turns up out of the ether in the middle of the night to invade my dreams and sprawl on my furniture so he can distribute his sagely dialogue of comfort and calm!!

Oh yeah, well, THAT worked!!

For the longest time after his  gatecrashing my slumbers, I was too scared to even look at the armchair in case HE showed up, all white and wisely! And as for the "You are never by yourself, for I am always watching over you"...REALLY!! Oh, that  made me feel LOADS better, knowing some disembodied being was shadowing my life...I don't think!!!

What about bathroom breaks? My ablutions were not to be considered a spectator sport...spectre or otherwise!

I mean, ok, this visitation could have been no more than a figment of my imagination and given Snowy's attire, I can't absolutely rule out the possibility that the KFC I'd devoured earlier hadn't something to do with it BUT regardless, it was very real to me, as was my fear.

There was certainly nothing finger-lickin'-good about that!

Anyway, I made a conscious effort never to fall asleep in the living room ever again and I also swore never to think too hard about Snowy ever again, in case he considered that to be an invite for a chat!

In fact, this is the first time I've thought about him, at length, for some considerable, can anyone else smell chicken?

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 24 January 2016

Shards of Glass...

Shards of glass

In her laughter

Shades of death

In her eyes

Tremors  of torment

In her touch

Youths innocent blush

Her disguise

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Saturday, 23 January 2016

The Apology...

I'd like to make a public apology to the sales person I encountered whilst shopping earlier, for my behaviour. Had I known that you were taking part in some kind of sleep study as you stood there, propping up that shelf, I'd never have approached you so brazenly to enquire as to the location of the particular items I required.

My God!! What was I thinking?

And, oh, the shame that overwhelms me when I consider how, despite my callous and selfish attitude, you still managed to raise your 'customer service' finger to point in the general direction of the area where my wants could be found. 

Managerial promotion is in the pipeline for you, methinks!

I'm certain that had I been able to actually see through the several stock-littered aisles which separated the goods from the directions your digit was alluding to, I'd have reached them much more quickly but this was not the case. Once again I had let you down by my failing to study the shop floor plan before actually entering the premises.

Also, I hope that my staring at you for some time following these events didn't disturb you in any way? I was simply trying to imagine what you'd look like if you had a personality but.... seems I failed you there too!

Best regards for the future...presuming you can be arsed to have one!

P.S. I need you to know, I typed this with my middle finger!

 © Copyright Lynn Gerrard