Wednesday 3 April 2019

Nauseating Narcissism...

I've always loathed the syrupy bollocks spewed out by certain songs...the nauseating stench of narcissism prolific throughout each of 'em...

....songs such as 'ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT'. The recipient of such egotistical lyrics was never allowed their own, I've given them one...

"Are you lonesome tonight?"


"Do you miss me tonight?"

And you are?

"Are you sorry we drifted apart?"

Oh,'s you...*groan*

"Does your memory stray, to the bright summer day, when I kissed you and called you 'sweetheart?"

Yeah...and it still makes me want to throw up

"Do the chairs in the parlour seem empty and bare?"

No...'cos I used them to burn an effigy of you

"Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?"

Not since I installed security cameras

"Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again"

That would be in breach of the restraining order

"Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?"

Am I f**k!!!

Moving on to another cringe-worthy 'It's-All-About-Me-Me-Me' dirge...let's explore the self-obsessed lyrics of Enrique Iglesias' 'HERO'...

"Would you dance if I asked you to dance?"

This is a McDonald's drive-in, not a lapdance club

"Or would you run and never look back?"

Only if you got out the car

"Would you cry if you saw me crying?"

I always cry when I laugh

"And would you save my soul tonight?"

I'd stuff it in your Happy Meal as I fart your name

"Would you tremble if I touched your lips?"

Not as much as you would when I taser you

"Or would you laugh, Oh, please tell me this"

Probably, when I watch you piss yourself

"Now would you die for the one you love?"

I wouldn't even dye my hair

"Oh, hold me in your arms tonight"

Needy little f****r aren't you?

"I can be your hero baby"

I'll remember that if I ever need a dickhead in a cape

"I can kiss away the pain"

Good news for my haemorrhoids

"I will stand by you forever"

Wonderful, I'll be stood on platform 2 at the train can stand on the tracks

"You can take my breath away"

True, but if you promise to f**k off I'll give you your inhaler back

More Nauseating Narcissism comin' soon...

                                                 © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday 11 September 2018

The Passing...

Oh, to be


With such depth

As to be forever


For my having passed

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday 4 September 2018

Yes I Must Dust!...

(There's a wonderful poem by Rose Milligan called 'Dust If You Must'...(do seek it out)...and one day, my eldest sent it to me after she'd invited me to a social thing and I'd declined 'cos I was busy cleaning. This was my tongue-in-cheek reply to her)

Yes I must dust

To appease the demon

That stresses me out

If I cease the cleanin'

Yes I must dust

'Cos if I want the time

To enjoy life's pleasures

I must first vanquish grime

Yes I must dust

Regardless of weather

'Cos that's what helps me

Keep my shit together

Yes I must dust

So bear in mind, please

You would dust too

If you had OCD's

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Monday 6 August 2018



May flaunt its miseries

And clip our wings

But tonight

We fly

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard


Better I should hate the world

And endure a life alone

Than face the unbearable loneliness

Of loving you

Poem only © Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Thursday 2 August 2018

Bugbears And Bathhouses...

One of the things I loathe about public swimming the 'public' in swimming pools.

I have an aversion to the notion of an aquatic army of bacteria surfing on the shed shavings of folks dead skin and skimming across the undulating waters before finding refuge in any open gob hopelessly oblivious to the invasion.

And, of course, the detritus of the human body is not restricted to mere flesh.

The thought of unwashed anal hair, waving like seagrass as it penetrates the restraints of swimwear tight enough to challenge circulation, randomly flicking unwiped wastage into the path of unsuspecting swimmers, has the potential to bring forth through my repulsed state an impressive tsunami of bile-infused vomit.

When I was a kid at school, the only horror WE were programmed to worry about gatecrashing public baths was a renegade verruca!. The teacher supervising our submergence would line us up, pre-entry, and check our feet and God forbid she should discover this wanton wart brazenly embedded within the foot of some poor wide-eyed and hobbled foot youngster.

Should this be so, the plague carrier would instantly be subjected to the walk of shame to join any other verruca lepers in the changing room where head bowed, they'd slowly drag a crusty heeled sock over the offending protuberance whilst pondering a future of ostracisation.

And, talking about changing rooms...there lies another horror waiting to be endured post-swim.

Your body is hot from the swim itself, much to the delight of your newly acquired bacterial passengers, each busily burrowing through every open pore in your unsuspecting flesh.

Eager to rid yourself of dripping swimwear, you enter the changing room....and instantly stand in the cold, gestating, puddles of someone else's bacterial debris!

If you're really unlucky, as your face creases into folds of raw repulsion worthy of some bizarre origami project, you'll quickly try to avoid the puddle only to discover that someone's old plaster, aka band-aid, is using your foot as a raft! And Gawd only knows how much residual infected tissue from the previous owner is clinging to THAT!

Of course, there's always the reassuring contemplation that public pools are safe 'cos they're treated with chlorine...and that thought does bring some relief to many....especially those who haven't considered the evolution of chlorine-resistant bacteria.

Also, as brushed over at the start of this blog-post, the gastrointestinal bacteria Cryptosporidium, which can cause diarrhea, stomach pains, vomiting, and fever, is easily contracted when a person swallows water contaminated through the infected residue of feces from other bathing beauties.

And if you're wondering how do I know all of this?....well, let's just say, I know a lot of random shit.

However, don't let any of the above, poo on your pool plans this summer.

You can always purify yourself by relaxing in a nice, hot steam room or sauna after your swim. Don't let the damp, porous, germ harbouring, wooden benches put you off! What's a little impetigo between friends, eh?

And what better way to clear your head of any lingering colds than to take advantage of the therapeutic properties the moist, clammy air provides. 

That is, of course, so long as you don't mind risking the potential bombardment of airborne mold as this polluted, nasal douche journeys up your nostril and spreads its spores up an' beyond.

But hey! I don't want to pee on your, don't let any of this play on your mind!

Summer's here, school's go enjoy yourselves and help put the fun back into fungal infection...

Sweet swims....

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Tuesday 31 July 2018

From Us To You...

Some people are born with an invisible straw permanently attached to their mouths...and throughout their lives, they use that straw to suck the life out of every undeserving person that suffers the heinous misfortune of coming into contact with them...BUT...

I am not writing this to rant about pernicious an' shallow folk such as those, 'cos I am certain that, one day, Karma will knock on their door and serve them the sh*t sandwich they have most definitely earned in life and their souls will forever bear the skid marks of that very meal.... 

I AM, however, writing this in praise of all the beautiful souls out there who make other people's days just that little bit more manageable simply by being thoughtful, caring and kind.

By offering an ear that doesn't just listen but actually hears.

By providing the sort of company that doesn't expect conversation but respects the healing qualities of silence.

By providing valuable help without making the other feel helpless.

By not pressing well-meaning but often unrealistic and untimely advice upon the other.

By knowing when to step back, without being offended, whilst quietly keeping watchful from the wings.

And simply by being there, wherever 'there' may be...when the other feels as if they themselves are nowhere at all.

Such folk as these are precious.

And throughout all the crazy stuff myself and Michael are experiencing at the moment, it's thanks to folks like this...that we are able to get through another day as seamlessly as is possible under the current circumstances.

So, thank you for the strength and support you provide us with...every one of you....from our AMAZING family....wonderful friends in the physical and the virtual world on here...right through to every single person in every capacity in the NHS who are working relentlessly to get my Michael back on his feet so me and 'im can carry on with our life's journey of 53 years plus together...

We are immeasurably grateful to each and every one of you.... 

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard