Wednesday, 30 December 2015

New Year's Evil...

I hate the middle bit between Christmas and New Year. You know, the bit that hangs over us like an awning of pending miseries to come. Oh you can deny it all you want but the truth remains, once the last cracker has been pulled and the cat's choked on the crappy plastic toy which shot off at a tangent, the dread of the approaching new year begins.

Yes, you have one last chance on New Years Eve to guzzle more alcohol and clog your colons with calorific time bombs but after that....what then?

Time for a New Year's resolution!:

A reality hangover that's what!!

The permission slip you were handed by society to be seasonally 'Merry' has been revoked, therefore, you no longer have an excuse to be the overindulgent, out of shape piss head you actually are and so off you go to seek a means of remedying the situation.

Enter the New Year Resolution.

And what a crock of old crap THAT is!!

Oh yes, you're eager at first, positively buzzing with the thought of the 'new you' you'll become....but such thoughts come easy when the fumes from your booze-infused breath are so pungent they've just scorched the fur off the hamster!

The sober you isn't as keen.

And then, of course, there's the herding instinct isn't there? Yeah, it's where you're caught up with the hysteria of the masses and so you jump aboard the train to New-Year-Resolutions-Ville until further down the line when the euphoria of mentally applying yourself to a better you is replaced by the horror of physically applying yourself to a better you and you think... 'sod this'...(or words to that effect)...before speedily disembarking and launching yourself, unceremoniously, upon the mercy of the old familiar track!

New Year's Eve Resolutions. But the other way around.: Do you know what I think? I think that someone else should distribute the new year resolutions. Someone close to you. It's these people who know you best and are, therefore, in a more suitably informed position to point out the areas for change you should REALLY be focusing on...

Areas such as that temple-throbbingly annoying squelchy sound some people make when they eat! A sound you could easily replicate if you took to wearing flippers whilst jogging on the spot in mud! Of course, there would be a forfeit if you were found to be in breach of your appointed resolution.

In the case of the noisy muncher they would be denied all solids and any hint of a slurp whilst sipping soup would result in them wearing it!! Or you could simply pin their tongue to the dining table, mid-chew, via a fork!

Snoring – A True Nightmare Serial snorers would be committed to implementing one of the plethora of remedies available (and yet frequently ignored) which would serve to remove the twitch-inducing problem they DENY exists, thus, finally allowing their long-suffering partners a peaceful nights sleep!

Failure to comply with the appropriate solution would result in the offender suffering the after effects of being repeatedly Tasered by the administrator of the resolution.

Mind you, there are those dedicated persons out there who need no prompting to ensure they adhere to their resolutions. Oh no, these determined warriors of willpower stoically and jovially skippity-skip their lithe, fat-free husks all the way to the gym every day for hours on end, fine tuning their toned, athletic, nimble shapes as we weaker individuals can but watch on, our wobbly bits bearing the scars of doughnuts past....

And it is to these disciples of discipline I will, this coming New Years Eve, be raising SEVERAL hearty glasses of Asda's best Chardonnay whilst loudly, firmly, and most resolutely reminding them that....

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard

Sunday, 6 December 2015


Only by breaking the links

Of racism and discrimination

Can we truly appreciate

The beauty of our fellow man

And finally accept

That we are but one people!

Poem only  © Copyright Lynn Gerrard