Thursday, 2 August 2018

Bugbears And Bathhouses...

One of the things I loathe about public swimming the 'public' in swimming pools.

I have an aversion to the notion of an aquatic army of bacteria surfing on the shed shavings of folks dead skin and skimming across the undulating waters before finding refuge in any open gob hopelessly oblivious to the invasion.

And, of course, the detritus of the human body is not restricted to mere flesh.

The thought of unwashed anal hair, waving like seagrass as it penetrates the restraints of swimwear tight enough to challenge circulation, randomly flicking unwiped wastage into the path of unsuspecting swimmers, has the potential to bring forth through my repulsed state an impressive tsunami of bile-infused vomit.

When I was a kid at school, the only horror WE were programmed to worry about gatecrashing public baths was a renegade verruca!. The teacher supervising our submergence would line us up, pre-entry, and check our feet and God forbid she should discover this wanton wart brazenly embedded within the foot of some poor wide-eyed and hobbled foot youngster.

Should this be so, the plague carrier would instantly be subjected to the walk of shame to join any other verruca lepers in the changing room where head bowed, they'd slowly drag a crusty heeled sock over the offending protuberance whilst pondering a future of ostracisation.

And, talking about changing rooms...there lies another horror waiting to be endured post-swim.

Your body is hot from the swim itself, much to the delight of your newly acquired bacterial passengers, each busily burrowing through every open pore in your unsuspecting flesh.

Eager to rid yourself of dripping swimwear, you enter the changing room....and instantly stand in the cold, gestating, puddles of someone else's bacterial debris!

If you're really unlucky, as your face creases into folds of raw repulsion worthy of some bizarre origami project, you'll quickly try to avoid the puddle only to discover that someone's old plaster, aka band-aid, is using your foot as a raft! And Gawd only knows how much residual infected tissue from the previous owner is clinging to THAT!

Of course, there's always the reassuring contemplation that public pools are safe 'cos they're treated with chlorine...and that thought does bring some relief to many....especially those who haven't considered the evolution of chlorine-resistant bacteria.

Also, as brushed over at the start of this blog-post, the gastrointestinal bacteria Cryptosporidium, which can cause diarrhea, stomach pains, vomiting, and fever, is easily contracted when a person swallows water contaminated through the infected residue of feces from other bathing beauties.

And if you're wondering how do I know all of this?....well, let's just say, I know a lot of random shit.

However, don't let any of the above, poo on your pool plans this summer.

You can always purify yourself by relaxing in a nice, hot steam room or sauna after your swim. Don't let the damp, porous, germ harbouring, wooden benches put you off! What's a little impetigo between friends, eh?

And what better way to clear your head of any lingering colds than to take advantage of the therapeutic properties the moist, clammy air provides. 

That is, of course, so long as you don't mind risking the potential bombardment of airborne mold as this polluted, nasal douche journeys up your nostril and spreads its spores up an' beyond.

But hey! I don't want to pee on your, don't let any of this play on your mind!

Summer's here, school's go enjoy yourselves and help put the fun back into fungal infection...

Sweet swims....

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard


  1. Ah! Thae wanton wart and freshly washed and conditioned anal hair. All in a local day's splash about

  2. I arrogantly contend my army of war hardened antibodies can easily repel any bacterial horde...Venturing into this germ pool you so eloquently described serves to build up our resistance to the mutant viral forces with must contend with on a daily basis out of the water

    1. Hello there Steve! :) ..ahhh but one has to consider there be rebels everywhere...including antibodies ;)

  3. I’m with you on this, Lynn. The thing that put me off one day was that there was a particularly hairy man in the pool one day. Seriously, due to my poor eyesight I initially thought he was wearing a jumper. I suddenly thought, why am I in this pool with this man. I wouldn’t share a bath with him and yet here I am splashing around in a pool with him. I should add I have nothing against a hairy man, it could be any man, or woman actually, it’s just that sharing the water with others thing. However I’m so glad you’ve built on my phobia with this delightful account. :-)

    1. have made me laugh so much "thought he was wearing a jumper" thank you...I'm still laughing! :D

  4. OMG! There was I, thinking of the thing I most hate about public swimming pools... the public! Now I want my own pool that I can contaminate to my hearts content!

    1. Hahaha! Ohhh, yet another comment that's made me howl laughing! Thank you, Anita :D