Life found me wandering the streets at daft o'clock, the other morning, on my way to a hospital appointment.
You see, I suffer from a chronic condition known as Premature Evacuation, whereby I am compelled to leave the house much earlier than necessary 'cos the fear of being late acts as an overly powerful laxative, the results of which can prove quite limiting to ones travels!!
Anyway, fancying a carefully timed coffee along the way, I was lured by a fluorescent 'Cafe Open' sign and, based upon this invite, made my move to enter. I'd barely put my toe beyond the open door when a disgruntled voice spat...
"We're not open yet"
Honing in on the source of this melodious welcome, my eyes met with a face whose expression was as warming as a blast chiller and decorated with enough paint to suffocate a clown!!
"Erm...your sign says 'Open'...and your open door confirmed this!" I offered, with a raised challenging brow.
"Five more minutes yet" came the response, said through teeth gritted so violently I worried I'd suffer shrapnel from her fillings!
I quickly construed that the cause of her monosyllabic mumblings was partly due to the weight of her make-up having semi-paralysed her face and partly due to the fact that the enormous effort of dialogue was, obviously, way beyond the limitations of her cognitive ability!
So, without wishing to complicate her day any further by putting more pressure on her brain cell to formulate a coherent sentence...I left her to enjoy the company of her mental void and continued on my way.
Well, things didn't go any better at the hospital. Without affording me any eye contact whatsoever the receptionist continuously botched my name and details up because she hadn't taken the time to read my particulars properly.
As a result she was looking at someone else's file...and she repeated this cock-up three effin' times with three different files belonging to three different people!...and all with the gaiety of a death row inmate.
Furthermore, behind the desk where she stood, in full view of the public, rested a notice taped to a computer which served to remind staff to 'Smile' at patients, especially when talking to them on the phone 'because they will hear it in your voice'.
It's worrying enough that it was deemed necessary to implement this 'Idiot's Guide To Common Decency' but knowing that the person dealing with me needed diagrams and maybe a DVD to demonstrate this complex manoeuvre...is soddin' tragic!
Whilst I'm having this rant I'll tell you what else is pissing me off...
Why do we over-complicate things which are best understood in simple form?...
Some time ago, a colour coded weather warning system was introduced by the Met Office...
GREEN...No severe weather.
Is the weather forecast sponsored by Crayola?
What do you do if you're colour blind?
Wouldn't it be easier to ask a Sailor or a Shepherd?
Why are weather presenters so bloody patronising?
What happened to a succinct weather forecast which simply stated whether or not it was going to be a shitty day?
And what's going on with all these different titles to weight issues?
Obese...Super Obese...Morbidly Obese...Super Morbidly Obese...
An 'expert' even defined one group as being...'Extreme Super Morbidly Obese'...there's no need for this!!! It's almost encouraging people to upgrade!!...
Oh ok ok...I'll shut up now!! I could go on, but I'll save that for another time. You'll be glad to hear I've given myself a headache and nearly broken my typing finger through pummeling out my rage on the keyboard!
But then of course...I'm not called The Grumbling Gargoyle for nothing!!...
© Copyright Lynn Gerrard 2.8.2012