Saturday, 30 May 2015

A Right Pain in the.... *BLOG POST*

It's always with great reluctance I ever go to the doctors. I loathe acquiring the need to go...I loathe the battle with the receptionist to allow me an appointment to let me go...and I loathe being stuck in a waiting room that's bulging with bug carrying beings secreting their bacteria willy-nillily into an atmosphere already polluted with the infected detritus of patients past!

So, one day, in a effort to avoid such a scenario, after having spent a couple of days prior in growing agony with a pain in my was with equal reluctance I decided to ring the NHS helpline ( as it was then)  to seek their advice...

"Good morning, NHS Direct" said the monotonic voice with all the warmth of a mortuary slab!

"Oh hello, sorry to bother you, but I wondered if you could help me?"

"What's the problem" she yawned

"Well, I've an intense pain down my back and into my side"

"What kind of pain?"

Why do people ask that question??? How am I supposed to answer?..."It's a wonderful pain really, I'm reluctant to part with the agony!"

What I actually said was...

"All I can tell you, is that it's a painful pain"

"Can you describe it to me?" I could sense her eyes rolling as she grunted this request!

Retro Humor
"What? Describe it to you? Well, not really...maybe if I screamed down the phone you could assess it!"

Her sigh was palpable.

We stumbled around a few more questions as I grimaced in increasing discomfort, until she asked...

"What do you think you've got?"

"Pardon?" an incredulous gasp escaped from behind my clenched teeth.

"What do YOU think you've got?"

"What do I think I've got???...'What. Do. I. Think. I've. Got'!!!...You're not quite grasping the concept of Helpline are you?...Aren't you supposed to tell me?....Isn't that how this works!!"

I was so frustrated at this point that after expressing my feelings through continuing spasms of agony I decided to slam the phone down....and would have done so had she not done so first!

Well, there was nothing else for it, I was going to have to bite the bullet and confront the wizened harridan behind the reception desk at the doctors surgery, pissed with power 'cos she's got her own stapler! I believe she was engaged to be married once.....but then he got his sight back! I swear, if you were to collapse at her desk, she'd write for an ambulance!!

we <3 ZiggyAnyway, I took a deep breath and rang the surgery to make an appointment. 

"Doctors surgery"...she spat.

"I'd like an appointment to see Dr. Handson tomorrow please"

"If you want an appointment tomorrow you'll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning"

"Well, given that I'm ringing now couldn't you just mark it down for me please?" 

"No...we can only allocate appointments on the day".

"Ok, can I have an appointment with Dr. Handson this morning then please"

"No...he's booked up"

"Oh right...well...are you sure I'll get in to see him tomorrow then?"

"'ll need to phone at 8:30 in the morning and I'll tell you"

"For God's sake! What about tomorrow afternoon then? Can you book me in for then?"

"If you want an appointment tomorrow afternoon you'll need to phone at 2:30 tomorrow" 

"Oh Holy Jesus in Heaven!"...I strained. "I've got high blood pressure you know...I can feel my veins stretching! You're not helping here! Have you...for the sake of anything for this afternoon then?????".

"It's possible"

"It is?...Is it?"...I'd never been this excited since I got the card telling me I'd won the beauty competition......I love Monopoly I do!

 "Wonderful...can you tell me what time please?"

"No...You'll have to phone up at 2:30"

Shortly after this episode I was admitted to hospital with concussion after smashing myself in the head, several times with a handset! As for the pain in my side? Thankfully it vanished, seems it couldn't compete with the right pain in the arse the days events had provided!

© Copyright Lynn Gerrard


  1. This is so true. The whole thing is tied up with power mad jobs worths.

    1. Exactly so! 'Cos the mad thing about this post was genuinely based on a true experience of mine!! Bloody crazy!!...

  2. Hmm, maybe blogger is as bad. I just wrote a comment of great sympathy here but before I could post it, I had to fill in a form!! Now my comment seems to have given up waiting and disappeared :( Boo hoo....well, I sympathise completely!! Doctors' receptionists are the same everywhere...gatekeepers wth keys designed to lock the patients out....

    1. Yayyy Val!! It's here!!...:) But you're right...alongside doctors receptionists blogger can be a pain in the nethers too! xx

  3. That is exactly what happens these days, Lynn. I have sworn never to darken their doorstep again. If anything bad happens to me, I'll just have to live with it. I will anyway, right? (glad one of the pains went away!)

    1. Thanks Anita...:) Yes, it's a crazy situation and I couldn't believe it when she genuinely asked me what did I think I had!lol.....I think in future it may be best if we just Google our symptoms...or live with it as you say ;) xx

  4. I know I shouldn't but... I almost wet myself laughing out loud then. Yet, this is so true

    Luv Scarl xx

    1. Hahaha! *passes Tena Lady* ;) but yes, that's the sad thing's all true ....

  5. I love it, Lynn. You are exactly like me. For the first time in many years I actually rang for an appointment because I was dizzy, sick & had a terrible headache (no, it wasn't a hangover!) The receptionist eventually decided that the doctor would ring me later in the day to discuss my symptoms!

    1. Its so frustrating!! I sometimes feel I'd have a better chance of getting a thermonuclear device through customs than getting past the Terrahawk at reception!!...( btw I don't actually have a thermonuclear device...just in case you were wondering lol..)...x

  6. Well done as usual. Helplines are designed to be little more than flatlines i.e. "I'm feeling sick" - "Call our helpline" - "I said I felt sick not can you help me to throw up"
    They say its the golden 4% who bother to complain the other 96% have learned to put up with the disappointment and forever go elsewhere, We are reverting to Hunter Gatherer cultures as we finally descend into the abyss of hopelessness.